[It's refreshing, just as he intended. The water helps. It fills his senses up, distracts him from the weird nervous feelings that have cropped up in the past few days, whenever he's been away from Eren, or waiting on his messages. The sun is beautiful, sparkling off the waves. He thinks how he's never going to get tired of this. He could never possibly get enough of the water, the sun, the surf, the way it all ebbs and flows so unpredictably.
He feels the same way about Eren, so completely insatiable. He doesn't know if he will ever get enough of Eren, and that idea is terrifying.
Because the ocean, the water, it will always be here. Finnick can always find it somewhere.
Eren won't. Eren could leave at any time. Even if he falls in love with Finnick, if they decide to be together, he knows if Eren has the opportunity to go back to his world, he will in a heartbeat. Would he even look back at Finnick? Would he even say goodbye? Or is Finnick just some crude replacement for the people he really loves, like he was to Emet-Selch in the amplitheater?
He wonders if he'll ever be good enough to make him stay.
He knows he won't.
He's far out now. Probably at least 40 feet deep. He dives down, down, down into the darkness. For some reason, he doesn't need to hold his breath underwater anymore. He doesn't find himself with the urge to breathe until he's been under for at least 3 minutes. So he swims all the way to the bottom, touching cold mud with his fingertips, hoping the pressure will crush this fear out of him.
It doesn't. When he finally surfaces again, all he can think about is his device. Eren. It's too late; Finnick is infected. Eren is in his heart now, and there's no getting him out of there. Not ever. Finnick loves unconditionally even beyond his own death.
He heads back in. His next text comes about 25 minutes after his last one.]
[This place is temporary. It has to be temporary. Eren will make it temporary. He found godlike power once. He'll do it again if he has to. There's a world back home waiting to be flattened, and that future has been made clear to him. He cannot waver. He must, at all costs - at all and any costs - keep moving forward.
[That doesn't mean he doesn't love Finnick. Eren knows love so very well; his oldest friend, his greatest enemy. It's easy to forget at times that he has a heart; not when it burns like this. Eren doesn't want to lose Finnick either. He wants to sleep in his bed and eat breakfast in his kitchen. He wants to dust his shelves and sweep his floor while Finnick dances with the waves and shows off his smile. He wants Finnick to come home to him. He wants to feel that strong arm wrapped around him, those fingers sifting through his hair. Finnick always smells like water, the outdoors. Eren knows the taste of his mouth. If they never touched anywhere but each other's faces, he wouldn't mind at all. He just wants to be with him. It's all-consuming. He's been so lonely for so long. He doesn't want to be anymore.
[Finnick will lose Eren. But not yet...]
I don't want that either.
[Maybe it won't be any reassurance; surely Finnick realizes that Eren's time here is fleeting, and that's what this is about. Maybe the fact that Finnick can't even tell whether or not Eren likes him has some small part to do with it too. He can only fix one of those perceptions.]
You're important to me. [More than anyone else.] That makes you mine. [He sends it - remembers Finnick's past again - quickly sends a follow up; too quickly to think too hard about it...]
[Eren says he doesn't want to lose him; he doesn't say it won't happen. Because it will; it's just a matter of when. Finnick realizes that's why Eren's been gathering so much information, doing so much investigating. He's trying to find the glitch in the simulation, the way to break it so he can escape. Finnick knows it's possible because he knows that every arena has a glitch, a weakness. Hadn't he told Eren that very thing in the amplitheater, right before he died? He'd wanted Eren to escape, then.
Now, he doesn't. It feels selfish, it feels guilty and terrible. Finnick can't go back; Eren can. It's an imbalance that feels like a bitter pit in his stomach. Finnick is always the one to leave. He always makes sure he can. It's safer that way. But now, he's stuck in this place. If he stays, he'll be without Eren eventually, and if he goes, he'll certainly just end up in some place that isn't this world or his own, meaning he'll be all alone again. It's a despairing feeling.
These thoughts are derailed by the next messages Eren sends. Important. Mine. It makes his heart flutter, his head swim. He almost asks if Eren means that, then remembers Eren never says things just to say them, not like Finnick is prone to do.]
I can be yours?
[He wants that. Badly. If this is going to be fleeting, he doesn't want to do it half-way and wonder later what it might have been. If Finnick is a fixture in this world and others are transient, then it's better to make that limited time count, even if it hurts more in the end.]
[It helps. Because despite Eren's plan to return to his world, that could even be years from now. His words assure Finnick that for at least the near future, and possibly much longer than that, Finnick won't lose him.
More than that. It tells him that so long as they're both in this world, Eren won't lose interest. Eren won't suddenly decide he's done with Finnick. Won't discard him. Won't bore of him. Use him and leave him behind. That puts... A lot of his fears to rest. As someone who was always loved more for the idea of him than who he really was, someone who was loved for the pleasure he could give but nothing further than that, you might say he has some self-worth issues.]
[Eren's still a liar, at the end of the day. Finnick doesn't know what he's done. Eren's carefully curated what Finnick does and doesn't know about his world, his life, his path. One day, surely, he'll find out, and that's when all of this will come crashing down.
[But he doesn't have to lie about everything. He doesn't have to push Finnick away the way he did Armin, Mikasa, his most important people. Eren's presence here being temporary is what allows them to be together at all, though Eren's sure that Finnick can't fully understand that.
[When Eren leaves this place, he will meet his death. His world will effectively end, or, at least most of it. Through it all, he will be Finnick's, and Finnick will be his. He will hold it forever in his heart, as he has every other person he's ever loved.
[Why fight it if it isn't meant to last anyway? Eren has regrets; should have done more, said more, held more while he could. He doesn't have to have those regrets here.
[There's no use fighting the inevitable. That's always been Eren's stance.]
[Finnick giggles, jumping up from his towel and literally jogging back to his apartment, giddiness fuelling him. It's so childish and stupid, and yet, he's happy. For the first time since he left his world.
He comes in, still wet and sandy, seeing Eren meticulously cleaning.]
Shit. I'm gonna mess it up.
[He could not be more like a dog right now, so excited to see his person that he tracks muddy paws on the clean floor. Well, almost. He does pause on the mat by the door, beaming at Eren.]
[When Finnick opens the door, covered in wet sand, Eren points at him like a warning mother, a broom still in one hand. It's half a joke, but his expression remains as serious as it usually is.]
Just stay there. [He leans the broom against a wall and meets Finnick where he is. If Eren were younger, he'd definitely be laughing. He feels warm enough without it. Finnick is grinning like an idiot, and he's Eren's, and Eren is his.
[He didn't consider that Finnick would be wet, but a "huge" hug has been promised. Eren runs a hand through Finnick's hair and waits.]
[Finnick giggles again at Eren looking so authoritative with the broom.
[He's not dripping wet, just a little damp, so he doesn't feel bad about throwing his arm-and-a-half around Eren tightly, bear-hugging him with all of his strength. He smothers him with kisses in the crook of his neck, wanting to share all the energy and warmth he feels. He wants it to radiate off him, through him, assaulting Eren's defensive forcefield of numbness, maybe even breaking a crack in it, sifting a single slit of sunlight through, into his soul, to touch the sadness that lies inside him. It wouldn't make the sadness go away, it probably wouldn't even make it smaller. After all, it's there as the product of all the love he's held before, and that shouldn't ever go away. But maybe Finnick's light can make the sadness a little nicer to look at, a little easier to live with. Maybe it could give him a little more strength to carry it.]
[Finnick's arms are around him - even the one that's incomplete - and Eren's curl protectively around in kind, up under Finnick's arms and across his back. His neck is being littered with kisses, and it makes his heart skip and race, thrilled. Finnick seems happy - happier than usual, anyway. He's happy because he's Eren's, and Eren can't help but feel a little sick about that; the shame he carries is so deeply seated.
[But Finnick's body is warm, and Eren idly sways with him where they stand, barely conscious of the rocking motion. He buries his nose in Finnick's hair and closes his eyes, breathes in the smell of lake water; he's come to love that smell.]
You're in good spirits...[He murmurs this against Finnick's temple, lips following with a very small kiss.
[Finnick's light is impossible to deny. It can't make the sadness go away, and nothing could make it smaller, but Eren still feels blinded when Finnick laughs.
[It's subtle, but he feels Eren's energy vibrating back at him, less light and warm but just as intense. The tightness of his grip, the little kiss to his temple, the softness of his voice. A forbidden word goes through his mind, but he doesn't dare utter it.]
Uh huh.
[He closes his eyes and sighs softly, nestling himself further in the crook of Eren's neck, rubbing his back. He could live here, bathed in oxytocin. He doesn't let go- Eren might have to push him away to get him off now.]
Only a bit...[Eren's voice is quiet, his own way of making it soft when he's not all that practiced at it. He trails his nails up and down Finnick's spine, still just barely swaying with him there in the doorway.]
I'll have to clean up after you now too. I didn't think that through...
I'll take care of it! I just wasn't thinking because I wanted to hug you so bad. I'll go outside to get the sand off, then I'll shower and put laundry in.
[He smiles, drifting back toward the door a little, but still feeling like he's magnetically attached to Eren.]
[Finnick laughs, again, beginning to feel like some kind of schoolgirl, as he throws his arms around Eren's neck again, leaning into him lazily. This time, he kisses his lips, long and firm, but not deep or lustful.
Aside from Annie, this is the most romantic and close he's ever been with someone without having sex. It's different, in a good way. It proves without a doubt that neither of them are using the other for that purpose, and that's something Finnick is very relieved not to have to worry about. Despite how hypersexual Finnick can be, he doesn't feel that way with Eren. He's very attracted to him, but he feels like he could wait a long time for sex, maybe even forever.]
[Eren's in no rush himself. He enjoys sex enough, though he's never had much time for it. He's never had sex with someone he actually felt a romantic connection with. In a way, that idea itself is entirely foreign to Eren - something he's only ever imagined. When he thinks about it with Finnick, he feels...overwhelmed, somehow.
[He'll wait, and it eventually, it will happen. He has no interest in forcing the issue.
[He kisses Finnick, another first kiss after a long parting (though they're getting shorter and shorter). These might be the best sort.
[God. Since when does he think that way? Finnick awakens something young and excited in him, even if he can't fully experience the emotion as it should be. He doesn't mind it...
[They part.]
Alright. I'll finish up. [Shouldn't take long. While Finnick's rinsing off outside, he will indeed get the sand out of the walkway, because...he's the sort that only trusts himself to do it correctly. And he did just clean this whole place...]
[He briefly looks into Eren's piercing, beautiful eyes. They don't look so dead, these days. There's something in them. He wouldn't call it happiness exactly, but something, a little hint of energy.
Finnick cleans up like a good boy, careful not to track anything in, showering and laundering as promised. His apartment looks... Spotless. Though he didn't say anything, he was a little worried about his vast shell collection being moved around or culled, but not a thing is out of place. He has no idea how Eren made it look so much better in such a short time.
Looks like he'll have to cook them dinner as a thank-you. The menu is... Fish, obviously.]
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He feels the same way about Eren, so completely insatiable. He doesn't know if he will ever get enough of Eren, and that idea is terrifying.
Because the ocean, the water, it will always be here. Finnick can always find it somewhere.
Eren won't. Eren could leave at any time. Even if he falls in love with Finnick, if they decide to be together, he knows if Eren has the opportunity to go back to his world, he will in a heartbeat. Would he even look back at Finnick? Would he even say goodbye? Or is Finnick just some crude replacement for the people he really loves, like he was to Emet-Selch in the amplitheater?
He wonders if he'll ever be good enough to make him stay.
He knows he won't.
He's far out now. Probably at least 40 feet deep. He dives down, down, down into the darkness. For some reason, he doesn't need to hold his breath underwater anymore. He doesn't find himself with the urge to breathe until he's been under for at least 3 minutes. So he swims all the way to the bottom, touching cold mud with his fingertips, hoping the pressure will crush this fear out of him.
It doesn't. When he finally surfaces again, all he can think about is his device. Eren. It's too late; Finnick is infected. Eren is in his heart now, and there's no getting him out of there. Not ever. Finnick loves unconditionally even beyond his own death.
He heads back in. His next text comes about 25 minutes after his last one.]
Losing you.
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[This place is temporary. It has to be temporary. Eren will make it temporary. He found godlike power once. He'll do it again if he has to. There's a world back home waiting to be flattened, and that future has been made clear to him. He cannot waver. He must, at all costs - at all and any costs - keep moving forward.
[That doesn't mean he doesn't love Finnick. Eren knows love so very well; his oldest friend, his greatest enemy. It's easy to forget at times that he has a heart; not when it burns like this. Eren doesn't want to lose Finnick either. He wants to sleep in his bed and eat breakfast in his kitchen. He wants to dust his shelves and sweep his floor while Finnick dances with the waves and shows off his smile. He wants Finnick to come home to him. He wants to feel that strong arm wrapped around him, those fingers sifting through his hair. Finnick always smells like water, the outdoors. Eren knows the taste of his mouth. If they never touched anywhere but each other's faces, he wouldn't mind at all. He just wants to be with him. It's all-consuming. He's been so lonely for so long. He doesn't want to be anymore.
[Finnick will lose Eren. But not yet...]
I don't want that either.
[Maybe it won't be any reassurance; surely Finnick realizes that Eren's time here is fleeting, and that's what this is about. Maybe the fact that Finnick can't even tell whether or not Eren likes him has some small part to do with it too. He can only fix one of those perceptions.]
You're important to me. [More than anyone else.] That makes you mine. [He sends it - remembers Finnick's past again - quickly sends a follow up; too quickly to think too hard about it...]
We are each other's.
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Now, he doesn't. It feels selfish, it feels guilty and terrible. Finnick can't go back; Eren can. It's an imbalance that feels like a bitter pit in his stomach. Finnick is always the one to leave. He always makes sure he can. It's safer that way. But now, he's stuck in this place. If he stays, he'll be without Eren eventually, and if he goes, he'll certainly just end up in some place that isn't this world or his own, meaning he'll be all alone again. It's a despairing feeling.
These thoughts are derailed by the next messages Eren sends. Important. Mine. It makes his heart flutter, his head swim. He almost asks if Eren means that, then remembers Eren never says things just to say them, not like Finnick is prone to do.]
I can be yours?
[He wants that. Badly. If this is going to be fleeting, he doesn't want to do it half-way and wonder later what it might have been. If Finnick is a fixture in this world and others are transient, then it's better to make that limited time count, even if it hurts more in the end.]
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[It helps. Because despite Eren's plan to return to his world, that could even be years from now. His words assure Finnick that for at least the near future, and possibly much longer than that, Finnick won't lose him.
More than that. It tells him that so long as they're both in this world, Eren won't lose interest. Eren won't suddenly decide he's done with Finnick. Won't discard him. Won't bore of him. Use him and leave him behind. That puts... A lot of his fears to rest. As someone who was always loved more for the idea of him than who he really was, someone who was loved for the pleasure he could give but nothing further than that, you might say he has some self-worth issues.]
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[But he doesn't have to lie about everything. He doesn't have to push Finnick away the way he did Armin, Mikasa, his most important people. Eren's presence here being temporary is what allows them to be together at all, though Eren's sure that Finnick can't fully understand that.
[When Eren leaves this place, he will meet his death. His world will effectively end, or, at least most of it. Through it all, he will be Finnick's, and Finnick will be his. He will hold it forever in his heart, as he has every other person he's ever loved.
[Why fight it if it isn't meant to last anyway? Eren has regrets; should have done more, said more, held more while he could. He doesn't have to have those regrets here.
[There's no use fighting the inevitable. That's always been Eren's stance.]
Then, I am yours.
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In that case, I'm coming home to take what's mine.
[Wait. That sounds sexual, which is not what he meant (surprisingly).]
In a huge hug.
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[Finnick Odair. No one else would get away with it. Eren wants so badly to smile.]
Then, my fate is imminent.
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He comes in, still wet and sandy, seeing Eren meticulously cleaning.]
Shit. I'm gonna mess it up.
[He could not be more like a dog right now, so excited to see his person that he tracks muddy paws on the clean floor. Well, almost. He does pause on the mat by the door, beaming at Eren.]
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Just stay there. [He leans the broom against a wall and meets Finnick where he is. If Eren were younger, he'd definitely be laughing. He feels warm enough without it. Finnick is grinning like an idiot, and he's Eren's, and Eren is his.
[He didn't consider that Finnick would be wet, but a "huge" hug has been promised. Eren runs a hand through Finnick's hair and waits.]
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[He's not dripping wet, just a little damp, so he doesn't feel bad about throwing his arm-and-a-half around Eren tightly, bear-hugging him with all of his strength. He smothers him with kisses in the crook of his neck, wanting to share all the energy and warmth he feels. He wants it to radiate off him, through him, assaulting Eren's defensive forcefield of numbness, maybe even breaking a crack in it, sifting a single slit of sunlight through, into his soul, to touch the sadness that lies inside him. It wouldn't make the sadness go away, it probably wouldn't even make it smaller. After all, it's there as the product of all the love he's held before, and that shouldn't ever go away. But maybe Finnick's light can make the sadness a little nicer to look at, a little easier to live with. Maybe it could give him a little more strength to carry it.]
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[But Finnick's body is warm, and Eren idly sways with him where they stand, barely conscious of the rocking motion. He buries his nose in Finnick's hair and closes his eyes, breathes in the smell of lake water; he's come to love that smell.]
You're in good spirits...[He murmurs this against Finnick's temple, lips following with a very small kiss.
[Finnick's light is impossible to deny. It can't make the sadness go away, and nothing could make it smaller, but Eren still feels blinded when Finnick laughs.
[It's a little easier like this.]
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Uh huh.
[He closes his eyes and sighs softly, nestling himself further in the crook of Eren's neck, rubbing his back. He could live here, bathed in oxytocin. He doesn't let go- Eren might have to push him away to get him off now.]
Am I interrupting your cleaning?
[His voice is muffled by Eren's shirt.]
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I'll have to clean up after you now too. I didn't think that through...
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[He pulls back a little to look at Eren.]
I'll take care of it! I just wasn't thinking because I wanted to hug you so bad. I'll go outside to get the sand off, then I'll shower and put laundry in.
[He smiles, drifting back toward the door a little, but still feeling like he's magnetically attached to Eren.]
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Aside from Annie, this is the most romantic and close he's ever been with someone without having sex. It's different, in a good way. It proves without a doubt that neither of them are using the other for that purpose, and that's something Finnick is very relieved not to have to worry about. Despite how hypersexual Finnick can be, he doesn't feel that way with Eren. He's very attracted to him, but he feels like he could wait a long time for sex, maybe even forever.]
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[He'll wait, and it eventually, it will happen. He has no interest in forcing the issue.
[He kisses Finnick, another first kiss after a long parting (though they're getting shorter and shorter). These might be the best sort.
[God. Since when does he think that way? Finnick awakens something young and excited in him, even if he can't fully experience the emotion as it should be. He doesn't mind it...
[They part.]
Alright. I'll finish up. [Shouldn't take long. While Finnick's rinsing off outside, he will indeed get the sand out of the walkway, because...he's the sort that only trusts himself to do it correctly. And he did just clean this whole place...]
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Finnick cleans up like a good boy, careful not to track anything in, showering and laundering as promised. His apartment looks... Spotless. Though he didn't say anything, he was a little worried about his vast shell collection being moved around or culled, but not a thing is out of place. He has no idea how Eren made it look so much better in such a short time.
Looks like he'll have to cook them dinner as a thank-you. The menu is... Fish, obviously.]