[Eren feels...entirely stunned by that answer. It's probably untrue if you're looking at things from an objective standpoint, but it makes Eren feel...
[Is "heard" the right word?
[Let him make up his own mind for once about whether or not it was his, hers, or someone's else's fault that he turned out the way he did.
[It's only ever been his. There's some freedom to that. For a while, he got to be what he wanted to be; he got to believe he was that sort of person.]
I'll pay you if you bring some of that wine to me.
I don't want to move yet, so pick up the wine on the way if you want to.
[He sends Eren the address of the little shop, too. It's down the street toward his apartment and he wants to stay on the beach. Finnick's not sure when he decided it was time to be waited on. Apparently just now. He wonders if Eren will actually do it, come to him, buy him wine.]
[He wouldn't. Can't. Separating Finnick from the ocean would be like separating Armin from it. Impossible. It's both or nothing.]
Alright.
[Eren doesn't feel like he's waiting on Finnick (if he did, he definitely would not be coming), but he does feel somewhat pathetic hiking over to District 1 to buy wine best paired with watching a sunset.
[It's...embarrassing. And he's doing it anyway.
[He wants to see him.
[So, sure enough, he shows up as the sky starts to turn pink. Out in public, there's no chance he'll be as close to Finnick as he wants to be, but at least he'll be close.
[He finds him. Sits down next to him in the sand. He tries not to look at the water as he passes Finnick the bottle.]
I didn't bother with glasses. [He wonders if his usual dead tone will scare Finnick away now that he knows it's half bullshit. Oh well. They're not safe in his apartment anymore.]
[Finnick smiles as Eren agrees. Perfect. The boy, the sunshine, and wine, without lifting a finger. He throws his arm over his eyes and is drifting off a little by the time Eren sits next to him. He doesn't notice until he speaks.
He moves his arm, squinting up at him and smiling. He did come, and he did bring wine.]
No need for all that fancy business.
[He props himself up to face Eren. He's shirtless, of course, with Hawaiian-ass swim shorts that are just barely dry from swimming, and a necklace of intricately woven fishing line wrapped around a light-blue piece of seaglass, which he made when he still had two hands.]
[Eren avoids staring at Finnick's body by focusing on his face instead, but it isn't easy - not that it's any mystery he's good-looking. Noticing it just feels a little different now. Eren's doomed either way, unfortunately; where Finnick's body isn't, his eyes are.
[He keenly remembers the feeling of Finnick's lips on his mouth - all night long, all night long.]
No one could accuse me of being that. [His voice remains dull, but at least the words are lighthearted enough (although almost everything Eren says has more than one meaning).]
[He chuckles lightly. Finnick examines Eren a moment, noting where his gaze lands. Eren looks directly at his face; his eyes and lips. He's a little surprised Eren doesn't avoid looking at him altogether.
He sits up on his towel, shifting it 90 degrees and crossing his legs.]
Sit here.
[He pats the space on the towel next to him. People who didn't grow up around the water are funny to him. To Finnick, it's second nature not to sit directly in the sand; that's just asking for a sandy asscrack later. But not everyone knows that.
He thinks about touching him. Holding his hand, giving a little kiss. But he doesn't want to act like that's granted just because they did it once. Especially in public. Finnick's not shy at all, but Eren's another story.
[Finnick is quite literally pouting, but Eren's seen it before, and it makes him feel fond, even if he still can't quite admit it. The shuffle over to the towel is a bit awkward, and he feels stupid for sitting in the sand, but he moves over anyway, taking the bottle from Finnick. His eyes briefly go to the water. He pictures steam rising from it as if it were boiling.]
Don't look at me like that. [It's...a tease, but Eren's not sure that it will land. He's not the best at jokes these days.
[The cork is easy enough to get out. Eren opens the wine, almost passes it to Finnick, remembers that he's the one who made up the stupid excuse about wanting it in the first place, and takes a sip.
[It tastes like that night. He passes it to Finnick. Assuming he takes it, Eren lets his finger tips run briefly over Finnick's.
[By now, at least in person, Finnick can pick up on the extremely minute changes in tone between Eren's teasing versus him actually being annoyed, so he just grins.
He pretends not to notice Eren's fingers brushing against his own. The taste of the wine brings back the other night for him, as well. It was so intense. All they talked about. Their argument. The peace offering of bread. The rope. Finnick crying (again). Eren tying on his fingers just to comfort him. The key (???). The unspoken decision that Finnick would stay the night. The nightmare. The kiss.
What looms largest in his mind is the memory of how Eren's warmth felt against him in the dark. The way he smelled. His hair tickling Finnick's nose. Drifting in and out of sleep became something blissful instead of terrifying.
He wants to touch him so badly. It almost hurts, but it also feels electric.
He sips the wine, hands it back, places his hand down on the towel between them as though to support himself in sitting. His fingers purposely land overlapping on top of Eren's. He looks out at the water.]
[Eren remembers how it felt too. They slept for hours - how many, he's not even sure. Periodically, he'd wake up. The sun came up and settled in the sky, but Finnick wouldn't stir. He remembers readjusting every few hours just to listen to his heart. It was soothing. It was profound.
[It was nice.
[Eren doesn't move his hand. His pulse quickens in his wrist. Finnick wants to stay on the beach, but what then? Eren hasn't slept the last couple of nights; how could he? He wants to feel that warmth wrapped around him again.]
I'm willing to bet you spend most of your time here. [He doesn't mean to talk so softly. He wishes they were alone.]
[It was the best sleep he'd had in recent memory, and the longest. Best of all, dreamless.
Since then, he hasn't been dreamless. Nightmares, sure. Last night he dreamt not of Annie or his various traumas, but of Eren. Not a sex dream, not even anything too intimate. He just... Dreamt of his presence. Sitting in his living room. He had both arms in the dream, and was tying Eren's hair into knots. He woke up feeling like he was still there, but then the yearning kicked in.
And now the yearning continues. But they talk over it, they act like it isn't there, even as it thickens the air around them.]
A good bit of it. It's not the ocean, but it keeps me sane.
[Eren nods, making a brief sound of acknowledgement. It's not the ocean, but it reminds him enough of it. Paradis has lakes and rivers, but Eren didn't spend much time around them. He's from the city.]
I went most of my life without knowing the ocean was real. [He's already told Finnick that, he knows.]
You're the opposite. It must have felt like you couldn't escape it. This is strange for you, then.
[He can't pretend to know Finnick, but he wants to. It's a miracle he admits that to himself at all. He can't help it. He feels it everywhere, and the air between them is only growing thicker with unspoken words, withheld actions. How did they ever go from this to tangling themselves together, waking only to make sure the other was still there, sleeping all night long, all morning long, all afternoon long...]
[It's not lost on him, the increasing thoughtfulness of the way Eren speaks to him, like he's genuinely wondering what Finnick is experiencing.
He remembers the confusing way Eren had talked about the ocean when they first spoke on the network, and then what Eren said the other night: that the ocean was said to be a myth, believing in it punished because it meant a world outside. Seeing it for the first time must have brought on a lot of confusing realizations, especially when he found out enemies lied beyond those waters.]
When I was a kid, yeah, I couldn't escape it. I didn't always love it as much as I do now. Back then, it felt like an inevitability, to spend my life on the water like my father did, and his father before, and so on. But then I was pulled away from it, again and again. For the games first, then to the Capitol to be sold. Every time I left, horrible things would happen, and every time I returned, I'd see Annie or Mags. I guess that's a natural positive association thing, but it's also more than that. It's part of who I am. It's in my family and my blood. It's in the food I make. It's who my people are, what we can provide others, and the pride that comes with that. It's where I feel at home and at peace. Centered.
[His eyes sparkle with the bright orange and pink of the sunset as he gazes out. The horizon means possibility. Something beyond. The opposite of trapped.]
[Eren has difficulty empathizing. He always has. He struggled making friends as a child. He's never been able to easily understand what people are thinking, or how they're feeling; so, when he makes statements like that - often taken as assumptions, and not always kindly - he genuinely is searching for confirmation, trying to understand.
[Finnick does well with it, so Eren understands him more, and he keeps trying. He's always craved connection; he's just never been all that good at it.
[He listens. Finnick watches the horizon. Eren stopped searching for it a long time ago. Doesn't Finnick realize what lies beyond? Hatred, rot, death - all just as terrible, just as devastating no matter where you turn...
[He understands pride for one's home; he understands longing for it too.]
When I was young, I felt like my hometown was a cage. Behind those walls, we were no better than cattle, just sitting around, waiting to die.
I'd wish that something would happen. [He wanted that horizon.]
After my home was destroyed, I didn't hate it anymore. Seems that happened all at once. It was gone, and I wanted it back.
[All that is to say...
[His fingers lock with Finnick's. It's a bit awkward - Finnick's hand is still on top of his, Eren's fingers simply lacing up between the knuckles. Eren watches the water instead of Finnick. It's really not all that much like the ocean at all. They're both unmoored - far, far away from a home they'll never return to.]
[Finnick can feel him trying to connect, to find common ground, the movement of his fingers solidifying it. He can tell that it doesn't come naturally to Eren the way it does to Finnick, to relate, to charm, to communicate, so these small gestures show he's trying. Finnick looks at him again, smiling softly in recognition.]
Don't know what you got 'till it's gone.
[Would Eren go back to his world someday? Will this moment be one he looks back on and misses terribly, the way he misses Annie now?
He lifts Eren's hand and interlaces their fingers properly. Finnick looks at his lips, his eyes lingering there purposely for long enough for Eren to notice. A silent invitation.]
[It's not fair of Finnick to look at him that way...
[The sun is setting. People - "locals" as Eren calls them, despite it being the farthest thing from the truth - pass by on the street, as they always do. The beach itself is relatively empty, and Finnick Odair is watching his lips.
[Over the last month or so, Eren has struggled to recognize whether he needs to protect his reputation or not. He doesn't want to be seen as anything but a threat to those that ought to feel threatened.
[It's exhausting, and this place is feeling less and less temporary. The Rumbling has probably been long since squashed by now if it hasn't been completed, but...no...that's impossible, because Eren has seen it happen; he made sure it would happen...
[He doesn't know what to think. He's lost all control of his life for the thousandth time; just when he'd managed to grasp control of the world.
[Eren glances around, and if anyone's watching, he doesn't notice. If he starts kissing Finnick on the lips, however, he knows he won't be able to stop; so, he lifts the man's rope-calloused hand to his mouth instead. Eren's lips brush lightly over Finnick's knuckles, pressing down only briefly in a kiss. He lowers their hands.]
[Finnick can tell by the way he looks around that Eren is afraid to be seen. It's understandable. Almost no one is as shameless as Finnick, and he doesn't expect them to be.
But he's caught completely off-guard by Eren kissing his knuckles. His heart skips a beat. All he can do is squeeze his hand back, smile gently again.
All at once, he realizes he's found out Eren's closely guarded secret. He's sweet. Incredibly caring. And he masks it.
Finnick knew it from the start, of course. When Eren had gotten drunk and admitted he missed "all of them." When he told Finnick that they both wear a mask. But he never expected to see such clear evidence. He never expected to be someone Eren was sweet to. To be fully trusted with that secret.
He wants to ask him about it, but he fears it will sound judgemental, when it's not at all. Finnick has his own facade, and he knows there's good reason to put effort into something like that. But he wants to know that reason.]
Remember when you said we both wear a mask? Why do you hide?
[Finnick's hand is still in Eren's, his eyes watching where they rest on the towel. The question gets his attention; he pauses before looking up at Finnick, which he shouldn't do, but does anyway. He tries to steel his expression; then again, what does it matter? Finnick sees right through it.
[This started long before that night they spent together, didn't it?
[He doesn't have the slightest idea of how to answer, because he doesn't particularly want to lie. There are plenty of reasons. The Scouts - his people - couldn't know his plan, nor could the Jaegerists, despite their support. For four long years, Eren could trust no one but himself, least of all the people who loved him the most. He had to become someone else; he had no choice. He saw the future right before he turned sixteen. There was no coming back after that.
[But the Scouts aren't here, and the Jaegerists aren't here, and even if they were, they know his plan now, and there's no way to stop it, so why does he hide, indeed - he realizes that he doesn't truly know.
[He's silent for far too long, but he's watching Finnick, and his eyes are focused. He's just...thinking.]
I had to. [He had to.] For a long time.
[It's more than that, though. Some of it, he just can't help. That dullness in his eyes, the way he can't get himself to smile, or laugh, or cry; there is a terrible rot inside of him, always and forever growing. He died the day he kissed Historia's hand - maybe even before that.]
[Finnick nods. He himself also had to, if he wanted to survive and keep his loved ones alive. He had to play the game, no matter how hard it was. He had to be ruthless.
But the next part, he shakes his head.]
You're not the mask. There's lots underneath. I've seen it.
[He sees it in Eren's eyes sometimes, feels it in the warmth of his touch.]
You don't have to abandon it, though. I wouldn't ask you to.
[It may still have its uses, even if the only use is making Eren feel safer.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[It's far from how Finnick felt about being used, but they were used for very different purposes.]
no subject
I'd wanted to be a Scout since I was a child.
[Not...much more needs to be said than that, he figures. It feels self-explanatory.
[Perhaps this:] I don't regret it.
[Even given everything, it's true (after all, he never could have gotten where he is now without...)]
no subject
[Even if it wasn't by choice, or if that's a very violent thing to do so young and in general, it's good that Eren got something out of it.]
no subject
[Is "heard" the right word?
[Let him make up his own mind for once about whether or not it was his, hers, or someone's else's fault that he turned out the way he did.
[It's only ever been his. There's some freedom to that. For a while, he got to be what he wanted to be; he got to believe he was that sort of person.]
I'll pay you if you bring some of that wine to me.
[Fuck the damn wine...]
No rush. [Get your ass over here.]
no subject
What makes you think you have to pay me?
no subject
I only meant that if you spent your credits on it, I'd give you the credits back.
I'll just come with you instead. That way I can pay myself.
[Nice...save? Eren's not great at them.]
no subject
It's alright, I don't mind spending a few credits on something for you. You should come here though, it's almost sunset. It's nice.
cw: suicide mention
Where are you?
no subject
[He drops a pin of his exact location.]
I don't want to move yet, so pick up the wine on the way if you want to.
[He sends Eren the address of the little shop, too. It's down the street toward his apartment and he wants to stay on the beach. Finnick's not sure when he decided it was time to be waited on. Apparently just now. He wonders if Eren will actually do it, come to him, buy him wine.]
(text > action)
[He almost backs out.
[He wouldn't. Can't. Separating Finnick from the ocean would be like separating Armin from it. Impossible. It's both or nothing.]
Alright.
[Eren doesn't feel like he's waiting on Finnick (if he did, he definitely would not be coming), but he does feel somewhat pathetic hiking over to District 1 to buy wine best paired with watching a sunset.
[It's...embarrassing. And he's doing it anyway.
[He wants to see him.
[So, sure enough, he shows up as the sky starts to turn pink. Out in public, there's no chance he'll be as close to Finnick as he wants to be, but at least he'll be close.
[He finds him. Sits down next to him in the sand. He tries not to look at the water as he passes Finnick the bottle.]
I didn't bother with glasses. [He wonders if his usual dead tone will scare Finnick away now that he knows it's half bullshit. Oh well. They're not safe in his apartment anymore.]
no subject
He moves his arm, squinting up at him and smiling. He did come, and he did bring wine.]
No need for all that fancy business.
[He props himself up to face Eren. He's shirtless, of course, with Hawaiian-ass swim shorts that are just barely dry from swimming, and a necklace of intricately woven fishing line wrapped around a light-blue piece of seaglass, which he made when he still had two hands.]
no subject
[He keenly remembers the feeling of Finnick's lips on his mouth - all night long, all night long.]
No one could accuse me of being that. [His voice remains dull, but at least the words are lighthearted enough (although almost everything Eren says has more than one meaning).]
no subject
He sits up on his towel, shifting it 90 degrees and crossing his legs.]
Sit here.
[He pats the space on the towel next to him. People who didn't grow up around the water are funny to him. To Finnick, it's second nature not to sit directly in the sand; that's just asking for a sandy asscrack later. But not everyone knows that.
He thinks about touching him. Holding his hand, giving a little kiss. But he doesn't want to act like that's granted just because they did it once. Especially in public. Finnick's not shy at all, but Eren's another story.
Instead, he holds the bottle toward Eren.]
You're gonna make the one-armed man open this?
[He gives a small pout.]
no subject
Don't look at me like that. [It's...a tease, but Eren's not sure that it will land. He's not the best at jokes these days.
[The cork is easy enough to get out. Eren opens the wine, almost passes it to Finnick, remembers that he's the one who made up the stupid excuse about wanting it in the first place, and takes a sip.
[It tastes like that night. He passes it to Finnick. Assuming he takes it, Eren lets his finger tips run briefly over Finnick's.
[That's it.]
no subject
He pretends not to notice Eren's fingers brushing against his own. The taste of the wine brings back the other night for him, as well. It was so intense. All they talked about. Their argument. The peace offering of bread. The rope. Finnick crying (again). Eren tying on his fingers just to comfort him. The key (???). The unspoken decision that Finnick would stay the night. The nightmare. The kiss.
What looms largest in his mind is the memory of how Eren's warmth felt against him in the dark. The way he smelled. His hair tickling Finnick's nose. Drifting in and out of sleep became something blissful instead of terrifying.
He wants to touch him so badly. It almost hurts, but it also feels electric.
He sips the wine, hands it back, places his hand down on the towel between them as though to support himself in sitting. His fingers purposely land overlapping on top of Eren's. He looks out at the water.]
no subject
[It was nice.
[Eren doesn't move his hand. His pulse quickens in his wrist. Finnick wants to stay on the beach, but what then? Eren hasn't slept the last couple of nights; how could he? He wants to feel that warmth wrapped around him again.]
I'm willing to bet you spend most of your time here. [He doesn't mean to talk so softly. He wishes they were alone.]
no subject
Since then, he hasn't been dreamless. Nightmares, sure. Last night he dreamt not of Annie or his various traumas, but of Eren. Not a sex dream, not even anything too intimate. He just... Dreamt of his presence. Sitting in his living room. He had both arms in the dream, and was tying Eren's hair into knots. He woke up feeling like he was still there, but then the yearning kicked in.
And now the yearning continues. But they talk over it, they act like it isn't there, even as it thickens the air around them.]
A good bit of it. It's not the ocean, but it keeps me sane.
the hair knots ; v ;
I went most of my life without knowing the ocean was real. [He's already told Finnick that, he knows.]
You're the opposite. It must have felt like you couldn't escape it. This is strange for you, then.
[He can't pretend to know Finnick, but he wants to. It's a miracle he admits that to himself at all. He can't help it. He feels it everywhere, and the air between them is only growing thicker with unspoken words, withheld actions. How did they ever go from this to tangling themselves together, waking only to make sure the other was still there, sleeping all night long, all morning long, all afternoon long...]
no subject
He remembers the confusing way Eren had talked about the ocean when they first spoke on the network, and then what Eren said the other night: that the ocean was said to be a myth, believing in it punished because it meant a world outside. Seeing it for the first time must have brought on a lot of confusing realizations, especially when he found out enemies lied beyond those waters.]
When I was a kid, yeah, I couldn't escape it. I didn't always love it as much as I do now. Back then, it felt like an inevitability, to spend my life on the water like my father did, and his father before, and so on. But then I was pulled away from it, again and again. For the games first, then to the Capitol to be sold. Every time I left, horrible things would happen, and every time I returned, I'd see Annie or Mags. I guess that's a natural positive association thing, but it's also more than that. It's part of who I am. It's in my family and my blood. It's in the food I make. It's who my people are, what we can provide others, and the pride that comes with that. It's where I feel at home and at peace. Centered.
[His eyes sparkle with the bright orange and pink of the sunset as he gazes out. The horizon means possibility. Something beyond. The opposite of trapped.]
no subject
[Finnick does well with it, so Eren understands him more, and he keeps trying. He's always craved connection; he's just never been all that good at it.
[He listens. Finnick watches the horizon. Eren stopped searching for it a long time ago. Doesn't Finnick realize what lies beyond? Hatred, rot, death - all just as terrible, just as devastating no matter where you turn...
[He understands pride for one's home; he understands longing for it too.]
When I was young, I felt like my hometown was a cage. Behind those walls, we were no better than cattle, just sitting around, waiting to die.
I'd wish that something would happen. [He wanted that horizon.]
After my home was destroyed, I didn't hate it anymore. Seems that happened all at once. It was gone, and I wanted it back.
[All that is to say...
[His fingers lock with Finnick's. It's a bit awkward - Finnick's hand is still on top of his, Eren's fingers simply lacing up between the knuckles. Eren watches the water instead of Finnick. It's really not all that much like the ocean at all. They're both unmoored - far, far away from a home they'll never return to.]
I get it. [He thinks he does, anyway.]
no subject
Don't know what you got 'till it's gone.
[Would Eren go back to his world someday? Will this moment be one he looks back on and misses terribly, the way he misses Annie now?
He lifts Eren's hand and interlaces their fingers properly. Finnick looks at his lips, his eyes lingering there purposely for long enough for Eren to notice. A silent invitation.]
no subject
[The sun is setting. People - "locals" as Eren calls them, despite it being the farthest thing from the truth - pass by on the street, as they always do. The beach itself is relatively empty, and Finnick Odair is watching his lips.
[Over the last month or so, Eren has struggled to recognize whether he needs to protect his reputation or not. He doesn't want to be seen as anything but a threat to those that ought to feel threatened.
[It's exhausting, and this place is feeling less and less temporary. The Rumbling has probably been long since squashed by now if it hasn't been completed, but...no...that's impossible, because Eren has seen it happen; he made sure it would happen...
[He doesn't know what to think. He's lost all control of his life for the thousandth time; just when he'd managed to grasp control of the world.
[Eren glances around, and if anyone's watching, he doesn't notice. If he starts kissing Finnick on the lips, however, he knows he won't be able to stop; so, he lifts the man's rope-calloused hand to his mouth instead. Eren's lips brush lightly over Finnick's knuckles, pressing down only briefly in a kiss. He lowers their hands.]
no subject
But he's caught completely off-guard by Eren kissing his knuckles. His heart skips a beat. All he can do is squeeze his hand back, smile gently again.
All at once, he realizes he's found out Eren's closely guarded secret. He's sweet. Incredibly caring. And he masks it.
Finnick knew it from the start, of course. When Eren had gotten drunk and admitted he missed "all of them." When he told Finnick that they both wear a mask. But he never expected to see such clear evidence. He never expected to be someone Eren was sweet to. To be fully trusted with that secret.
He wants to ask him about it, but he fears it will sound judgemental, when it's not at all. Finnick has his own facade, and he knows there's good reason to put effort into something like that. But he wants to know that reason.]
Remember when you said we both wear a mask? Why do you hide?
no subject
[This started long before that night they spent together, didn't it?
[He doesn't have the slightest idea of how to answer, because he doesn't particularly want to lie. There are plenty of reasons. The Scouts - his people - couldn't know his plan, nor could the Jaegerists, despite their support. For four long years, Eren could trust no one but himself, least of all the people who loved him the most. He had to become someone else; he had no choice. He saw the future right before he turned sixteen. There was no coming back after that.
[But the Scouts aren't here, and the Jaegerists aren't here, and even if they were, they know his plan now, and there's no way to stop it, so why does he hide, indeed - he realizes that he doesn't truly know.
[He's silent for far too long, but he's watching Finnick, and his eyes are focused. He's just...thinking.]
I had to. [He had to.] For a long time.
[It's more than that, though. Some of it, he just can't help. That dullness in his eyes, the way he can't get himself to smile, or laugh, or cry; there is a terrible rot inside of him, always and forever growing. He died the day he kissed Historia's hand - maybe even before that.]
This is just what I am now. [A monster.]
no subject
But the next part, he shakes his head.]
You're not the mask. There's lots underneath. I've seen it.
[He sees it in Eren's eyes sometimes, feels it in the warmth of his touch.]
You don't have to abandon it, though. I wouldn't ask you to.
[It may still have its uses, even if the only use is making Eren feel safer.]
cw: genocide, graphic violent imagery
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
reiner is the dude in the icon btw lmao
cw alcohol use/abuse
the co-dependency begins (as if it hadn't already)
uh yeah did someone order a uhaul its under the name odair
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
cw hospitalization,suicidal thoughts