[Doc seems to hate the question, and Finnick couldn't care less. Just because he's a counsellor doesn't mean he can get away without revealing any of himself. Finnick won't allow it. A secret for a secret is his preferred way of trading in 7, since he doesn't need to leverage them for power anymore.
He smiles a little as Maruki talks about the woman he loved. Loves? He puts his hand between Maruki's shoulder blades and rubs gently.]
Yeah. And hey, if I found it twice, anyone can. You don't give yourself enough credit for your charms.
[He'd charmed Finnick, after all, and still does. It's a good bit.]
If we find a way for people to go home, though, Eren will. Which I guess is understandable. It's selfish of me, but I can't help but hope we won't find one. Because if we do... Most people get to go home, and I'll either be stuck here on my own, or gone from existence for good.
[His hand stills on Maruki's back, his eyes fixing on a detail on his bowl and zoning out a little.]
[ The touch startles him, as all touch does, but he settles quickly. It isn't unwelcome. Just unexpected.
And it's a kind sentiment, but not the correct one. He doesn't want to find it twice. He hasn't wanted anyone since the day he lost Rumi, he doubts he ever will. The world he's creating isn't even one where they can be together, and it's still the only world meant for either of them.
But to say anything about his disinterest would prompt more questions, probably more compliments. He'd rather not. So he lets it slide.
Maruki looks at Finnick sidelong, listens, watches as his gaze goes a bit unfocused. ]
If there was a way to return to his reality with him, do you think you would?
[ For how calculated he is in everything he says to everyone here but Akira, that one slips out before he's put concrete thought into it, and it jolts him again. He holds up a hand as if to stop himself. ]
I mean, that's genuinely a purely hypothetical question. I have no idea if something like that is possible. That's beyond my expertise.
[The thought occurs to Finnick at the same time Maruki voices it. If Eren could go home, why couldn't Finnick go with him?]
No, yeah, I get you. It's all hypothetical. And well, Eren's world is ending in a war. Everyone will die. He wants to go back to say goodbye to his loved ones and die with it. If it were possible and he wanted me to go with him, the choice would be between... Dying with Eren, or staying alive here in 7 with the few other dead people or whoever else stuck around.
[His heart thrums with the desire to die with Eren. To hold him in his final moments. To offer him comfort and love him through the ultimate grief. Finnick is dead anyway.
But is he, really? Only by technicality. He breathes, his heart beats, his body works other than missing his arm. He can touch, feel, experience. It feels no different from being alive before. Would he give up the rest of... Whatever time he has "alive" for Eren? His voice of reason tells him that's far too self-sacrificing.]
I don't know.
[He finally says this after a long pause of deep thought.]
[ An ache in the pit of his stomach to hear it – war, mass casualty, hopelessness. And yet, the desire to return and see things through.
The circumstances aren't the same whatsoever, really, but Maruki thinks he understands the impetus at the emotional core. At least a bit.
It's his turn to give Finnick's back a comforting rub, though it doesn't linger. ]
There may end up being more options than that. We really don't know anything yet. Please, don't resign yourself to only those fates.
[ His own beer is down to dregs, so he slides off the chair and swings back into the kitchen to grab another, silently holding up a second for Finnick to see if he accepts or declines as he asks a potentially loaded question: ]
If I tell you something, Finnick, will you promise to keep it between us?
[Finnick nods. He tries not to catastrophize, tries not to get too lost in what-ifs. There are so many of those, and it may be that none of them ever happen, so it's not worth worrying over them too much, like Maruki said. He also holds out a little bit of hope that maybe Eren will change his mind about going home, will eventually enjoy life enough here to not want to die with his world.
Still, Finnick isn't all that motivated to find a way out of this world. To figure it out, sure, so they can all better function here. But he doesn't feel quite the same need to rebel anymore. He doesn't want to burn it all down. He might even say he likes it here.
[ He opens the beer, hands it off. Then his own, a long drink before he rejoins Finnick at the bar. It's tempting to stay on the other side, line his spine up against the refrigerator and put distance between them, but Maruki is aware that he has been cagey at best with all of the information he's told Finnick. A gesture of closeness wouldn't go amiss, even if it makes him feel like tinfoil is set between his molars to do so.
He hops back up into the chair, rolls the bottle between his palms as he speaks. Unlike the story about Rumi, his eyes are on Finnick the whole time. ]
When I return to my reality – and I will return, I have no doubt about that – I'm going to fight to my death against Kurusu.
[ His eyebrows raise up high beneath his unkempt fringe and he smiles playfully, cutting off any questions before they come. ]
Don't ask why. I won't tell you, because it isn't important. What is important is that I already know I'll lose.
[ Like a freight train careening off the tracks and slamming into the wall of his mind, up in flames on impact. He's thought of it so many times since their first meeting, but admitting it out loud to someone entirely unrelated brings the reality of it into sharp, crystalline clarity. He will lose. He's already lost. ]
Kurusu has already lived what I have not, and he's won against me. I can only imagine that when that happens for me, I'll be ready to die.
[ That playful smile softens, turns warm and fond, more so than any other smile Finnick's likely to have seen on him since they met. ]
And he won't let me. He'll save me, though I don't deserve it. He's promised to save me every time.
[ A pause, and he leans back in his seat, eyes still on Finnick as he takes another sip of his beer. ]
This is my fate. I don't feel resigned to it. I would choose it again and again, because I believe in what I was fighting for back in our reality, and I believe Kurusu when he says that we'll both live. What's predestined for us will happen when it happens, but it will happen.
[ A shrug, a warmth in his expression that still lingers. ]
Your death was surely tragic. You didn't deserve it. But you do have a freedom now that others don't. Your future will be entirely whatever you make of it. If I'm still around at that point, I'll gladly lend my expertise to help you find the reality that you want.
[The story doesn't make a ton of sense to Finnick. There's little context. He says the reason they fight doesn't matter, but also that he believes in what he was fighting for. So then it does matter, doesn't it?
And why does Kurusu let him live? What do they decide in the end about whatever they're fighting about?
And why is Maruki smiling like that about all of it?
It's somewhat unsettling. Disturbing. He guesses maybe Maruki is happy that he both gets to live and gets whatever outcome he wanted from the fight, but... Finnick can't be sure. There's not enough information, which makes the story, or confession, more irritating than anything.]
Y'know, you all are resigned to your fates like this, but there's nothing that says you'll have to return to your reality if that becomes an option. It could be a choice. In which case, why would you 100% choose that over this? Does everything work out grand after he spares you? Do you get everything you want?
[Everyone writes off 7 like there's nothing here for them. Finnick doesn't have that option. It pisses him off.]
And I highly doubt I'll have my pick of whatever reality I want. I don't think our overlords are that kind.
[ Finnick would be well within his rights to ask for clarity on any of it, all of it. Some distant part of Maruki's overcrowded mind knows that their story – chiefly, the way he tells it – is nonsensical on levels both practical and emotional.
But how to explain the feeling of receiving unconditional forgiveness from the person you betrayed the worst of all, before you've even earned it?
There's nothing like it in any reality, ideal or real.
The questions that he does ask go a long way toward grounding Maruki again, and that deep well of gratitude that his story drew from dissipates. He shrugs, laughs a bit. ]
Oh, I have no idea how everything works out. I'm not about to ask him, either. And no, I can guarantee that I don't get everything I want. The opposite, actually.
[ If he loses, the world they'll return to will be a torturous one. And yet Akira said he was happy despite that. Because of that. Maruki can't imagine he'll find that same happiness, but– maybe.
A wave of his hand as if to dispel the questions. ]
Regardless, I was just trying to illustrate a point. My apologies, it got muddled somewhere in there while telling my own story – now you see why I don't talk about myself much!
[ Firmly tethered back to reality now. He looks at Finnick seriously, sympathetically. ]
I don't think our overlords are that kind either. But I also don't think we'll be beholden to whatever they choose for us. As I said – if I'm around, I'll help you to find your ideal life. Whether that's here in 7 or elsewhere. That's a promise I want to make to you as your friend.
[He'll get the opposite of what he wants in the end, and will still return happily. Finnick looks at Maruki with a sharp gaze and a furrowed brow, a cross between frustrated by the lack of logic and genuinely wondering about his sanity.]
Maruki, respectfully, and with concern, nothing you're telling me right now makes any fucking sense.
[No point has been illustrated. It's all raised too many questions to even begin to ask.]
For one, the story doesn't make much sense without knowing what you were fighting about. And why did he spare you? And why would you so quickly and gladly abandon this reality for one where you lose and get the opposite of what you want?
[And by "this reality" he mostly means "me." His voice rises with agitation and slight desperation, trying to understand this. Does truly no one give a shit about him enough to think twice before leaving him here alone to return to their shitty reality where everything sucks? Not even his own partner? He's trying not to get carried away since it's all hypothetical... But even if Finnick got his pick of realities, he wouldn't want a new, better one without the people here that he loves. He wants to be with them.]
[ He says it too quickly and too sharply, looking away from those molten chocolate eyes staring at him with such softness. It's unfair, how Maruki can do that, bring things out of him so easily with just a look. He can still feel the warm hand, and it's affecting him more than he wants it to.
He presses his lips together to keep them from trembling, but his eyes tear up anyway. ]
Everyone just can't wait to leave.
[ And leave him behind. His voice sounds screwed up from his throat being so tight. He needs to fidget, so he moves his hand from under Maruki's to get his length of rope from his pocket. He stares down at it as he rubs it between his fingers. ]
[ Maruki watches him carefully, takes those words in. The unspoken weight of them. He does truly believe what he said – Finnick is a free man in a way that many of them are not – but there's such a deep grief to it, too. Being ripped away from all that you knew and loved twice: First by death, then by whatever manipulations brought them all here.
And then having to watch as people you care about try to leave.
His next apology is weightier than the last. ]
I apologize for how insensitive my comments were. I wasn't thinking as compassionately as I should have been.
[ Maruki watches him fiddle with the rope, moves his hand to rest easily between Finnick's shoulder blades. A comforting touch that doesn't push for anything more. ]
Your fears here are valid. I know it can't be easy to hear people talk the way they do– well, the way that I just did.
[ If you asked Finnick what he wants most in life, he would say freedom. But it wouldn't be true. He cares about his people, his chosen family, more than anything. If he cared more about freedom than Annie or Mags, they would both be dead, because he'd have refused President Snow's orders to sleep with Capitolites. Instead, he kept himself in line for a decade to protect them.
Maruki's words make the tears drip down. He wipes them quickly. Still staring at the rope, fidgeting mercilessly. ]
It's fine.
[ You won't be abandoned. He didn't think he was so afraid of something like that. He's Finnick Odair, he's the one who leaves! Not the one who's left! Except... When his parents signed him up to be a Career, to train and volunteer to die in the arena. When Annie's madness took her from him, then when she was taken to the Capitol. When Mags walked into the fog. None of them were meaning to abandon him, but that was still the result. And it hurt. It still hurts. ]
[ Maruki can't help himself. Before he was anything else – a researcher, a counselor, a reality bending god-lite ha ha oops – he was an empath. Still is. Someone else's pain when expressed to him becomes his own, and seeing someone cry twists his heart like nothing else.
He runs his hand slow and soothing up and down Finnick's spine, as if he could draw that pain out by touch alone. ]
No, I don't know that. But I believe it.
[ And the things he believes have a way of coming true. ]
You can tell me it's bullshit if you want, but our beliefs can shape our futures. So if you won't believe it for yourself just yet, I'll do it enough for you.
People care about you. They won't leave you.
Edited 2024-06-10 18:18 (UTC)
bo, how are you gonna dig the show out of this weird hole
[ Finnick nods, wipes his eyes again. He knows people care about him. He knows that. Just sometimes he gives too much away and he forgets to ask for anything in return, or it's too hard to. He never wants to make a fuss about his own wants or needs, which is probably why he bottles it up and then ends up crying whenever he drinks with someone. ]
Okay. Thanks, Doc. I believe you.
[ He nods again, still looking down, avoiding Maruki's gaze. If he looks at him, he might fall apart completely, and he's trying very hard not to do that. Ten times longer to put yourself back together, et cetera.
He breathes in deeply through his nose. ]
Sorry, I always fucking do this. I cry way too easily.
[ Pathetic! He exhales, shaking his head, leaning back in his chair, reaching for the beer, trying to reset himself. ]
The noodles were great. Did I say that?
[ He says it dryly, casually, gesturing to the empty bowl as though nothing just happened, finally glancing at Maruki with a small smile. ]
I'm really glad you enjoyed them. Next time, show me how to cook something from your home.
[ He pats Finnick's back a couple times, then gives his hair a fond ruffle before getting up to collect their bowls and swing back into the kitchen, talking as he goes. ]
It's good to cry. It's healthy. I cry a lot too, so you don't have to worry about that around me.
[ It's said without any judgment for either of them, just simply stated fact. People cry! That's an okay thing!!
Maruki grins at him from where he's cleaning up the remaining scraps and piling everything into the sink to be dealt with later. ]
That said, I hate to see it during what was supposed to be a get together for me to thank you for your party. So what can I do now to cheer you up?
Sure. I'll teach you how to make my district's bread if you can get more of that kelp.
[He smiles at the fond touches.]
You do? Hm. That does make me feel better.
[While Maruki certainly doesn't seem to have it all together, he does seem like a Momo type, who would rather focus on the feelings of others than his own. It's good to know that he does cry.
At his question, a mischievous smile appears on Finnick's face, and for a moment he considers flirting. Then he decides against it and tries to wipe the look from his face.]
Hm... Oh, I don't know. Whatever you want to do. I just like hanging out with you. It's me who's bringing the mood down, not you. Am I allowed help you clean up?
[ Maruki gives him a wry, curious little look from where he's half-cleaning. He isn't about to do the dishes while Finnick is here, but he can at least tidy up the worst of the mess he made so that there's less to deal with later. ]
First of all, if you'll recall, I threw the mood off first by telling you a truly thoughtless story. So you'll have to accept my apology, as well as my insistence that you don't help.
[ He's nearly done after that little monologue, anyway.
Suddenly aware that he kept the apron on for their whole meal, he laughs at himself as he removes it and drapes it over the now-cleared counter. ]
And secondly – you like just hanging out with me that much? Really?
[ It's a genuine question, and a shy one at that. So much for that daddy energy you're trying to get from him, Finnick. ]
[Finnick's now leaning back in his chair with his hand in his pocket, still on the rope but no longer fidgety. He seems relaxed now, a product of the beer and the food and a good little cry.
He tilts his head to the side and gazes at Maruki, as though appraising him, but he does nothing to hide the deep, warm fondness in his expression.]
Why does that surprise you? You're kind, incredibly easy to talk to, smart, and adorable as hell.
[Of course, this could be taken as Finnick laying it on thick, trying to make another pass at Maruki. But his tone is warm and sincere, not at all the low seductive purr he takes on when he's trying to make a move. His sea-blue eyes, too, are bright from his smile rather than guarded and hungry.
No, Maruki decidedly isn't displaying any kind of daddy energy, he's just "dad", if anything. But that's what Finnick likes about it. He finds Maruki's shy awkwardness, his "bumbling" as he put it, so sweet and endearing, especially alongside the empathy he clearly possesses.]
[ It doesn't feel like Finnick's usual flirtation, but perhaps that's worse. It feels genuinely sincere in a way Maruki isn't sure how to handle. He beams his earnestness onto people every day, but when it's returned to him he fumbles somewhat, and it's evident in how his cheeks start to go a little pink. ]
That's all very kind of you to say, Finnick. I suppose it only surprises me because, well–
[ He's lost now without anything to do with his hands. He shouldn't drink more, but he'd like a bottle to roll between his palms. He's too far from Finnick to distract himself by giving him a comforting hand on a shoulder or through his hair. He has nothing left to clean unless he really wants to start digging into his dishes, which he doesn't. For a moment his hands flex uselessly in the air before him, then wind together as he runs one thumb hard along the line of his knuckles. ]
All of those people at your party! It seems like you know half of any given district. And they adore you. You could be having a much more exciting night with anyone, and you've chosen to hang out with possibly the most boring, regular man in all of 7.
[ A nervous, fleeting smile, self-deprecating but bright. ]
So forgive me for being surprised. Hah. Anyway, we could just chat for a bit longer, if you'd like...
[ Dude, do you think HE knows what to do now? HE DOESN'T. HELP. ]
A boring, regular man who offered to cook me something from my home. WHo didn't let me help cook or clean, probably because he knows I'm too charitable. Who didn't judge me for crying at his dinner table. Who wanted to help me with my crazy idea of starting a youth shelter. Who remained my friend even after I made a terribly-timed, inappropriate advance. Who tolerates my horrible jokes and flirting and listens to me gush about my boyfriend. Who listens to anything I have to say, frankly, and takes me seriously.
[In true bisexual fashion, he leans in his chair in the most precarious way, propping his arm over the back of it as he finishes his beer, bringing his foot up onto the seat of the chair Maruki had been sitting on.]
I know lots of people, yeah. I like most people. Most people like me. That doesn't mean I can't have favourites. I don't let just anyone into my inner circle. They have to earn my trust. And you're not quite there yet, but I'm here with you in your apartment because I want you to get there.
[He shrugs. He could go on about chosen family and his willingness to die for them, too, but he doesn't want to freak Maruki out. He's already made the mistake of coming on too strong with Maruki, and he won't risk upsetting him like that again. Though, maybe he already has, with this little speech.]
Of course, if you'd rather just be friendly acquaintances who have dinner now and again, that's alright with me too. No matter how you choose to be in my life, my life will be better for it.
[He gives a small, warm smile. He'd never want Maruki to have the impression that Finnick only wants to fuck him.]
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He smiles a little as Maruki talks about the woman he loved. Loves? He puts his hand between Maruki's shoulder blades and rubs gently.]
Yeah. And hey, if I found it twice, anyone can. You don't give yourself enough credit for your charms.
[He'd charmed Finnick, after all, and still does. It's a good bit.]
If we find a way for people to go home, though, Eren will. Which I guess is understandable. It's selfish of me, but I can't help but hope we won't find one. Because if we do... Most people get to go home, and I'll either be stuck here on my own, or gone from existence for good.
[His hand stills on Maruki's back, his eyes fixing on a detail on his bowl and zoning out a little.]
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And it's a kind sentiment, but not the correct one. He doesn't want to find it twice. He hasn't wanted anyone since the day he lost Rumi, he doubts he ever will. The world he's creating isn't even one where they can be together, and it's still the only world meant for either of them.
But to say anything about his disinterest would prompt more questions, probably more compliments. He'd rather not. So he lets it slide.
Maruki looks at Finnick sidelong, listens, watches as his gaze goes a bit unfocused. ]
If there was a way to return to his reality with him, do you think you would?
[ For how calculated he is in everything he says to everyone here but Akira, that one slips out before he's put concrete thought into it, and it jolts him again. He holds up a hand as if to stop himself. ]
I mean, that's genuinely a purely hypothetical question. I have no idea if something like that is possible. That's beyond my expertise.
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No, yeah, I get you. It's all hypothetical. And well, Eren's world is ending in a war. Everyone will die. He wants to go back to say goodbye to his loved ones and die with it. If it were possible and he wanted me to go with him, the choice would be between... Dying with Eren, or staying alive here in 7 with the few other dead people or whoever else stuck around.
[His heart thrums with the desire to die with Eren. To hold him in his final moments. To offer him comfort and love him through the ultimate grief. Finnick is dead anyway.
But is he, really? Only by technicality. He breathes, his heart beats, his body works other than missing his arm. He can touch, feel, experience. It feels no different from being alive before. Would he give up the rest of... Whatever time he has "alive" for Eren? His voice of reason tells him that's far too self-sacrificing.]
I don't know.
[He finally says this after a long pause of deep thought.]
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The circumstances aren't the same whatsoever, really, but Maruki thinks he understands the impetus at the emotional core. At least a bit.
It's his turn to give Finnick's back a comforting rub, though it doesn't linger. ]
There may end up being more options than that. We really don't know anything yet. Please, don't resign yourself to only those fates.
[ His own beer is down to dregs, so he slides off the chair and swings back into the kitchen to grab another, silently holding up a second for Finnick to see if he accepts or declines as he asks a potentially loaded question: ]
If I tell you something, Finnick, will you promise to keep it between us?
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Still, Finnick isn't all that motivated to find a way out of this world. To figure it out, sure, so they can all better function here. But he doesn't feel quite the same need to rebel anymore. He doesn't want to burn it all down. He might even say he likes it here.
Finnick nods at the offer of a second drink.]
Sure Doc, of course.
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He hops back up into the chair, rolls the bottle between his palms as he speaks. Unlike the story about Rumi, his eyes are on Finnick the whole time. ]
When I return to my reality – and I will return, I have no doubt about that – I'm going to fight to my death against Kurusu.
[ His eyebrows raise up high beneath his unkempt fringe and he smiles playfully, cutting off any questions before they come. ]
Don't ask why. I won't tell you, because it isn't important. What is important is that I already know I'll lose.
[ Like a freight train careening off the tracks and slamming into the wall of his mind, up in flames on impact. He's thought of it so many times since their first meeting, but admitting it out loud to someone entirely unrelated brings the reality of it into sharp, crystalline clarity. He will lose. He's already lost. ]
Kurusu has already lived what I have not, and he's won against me. I can only imagine that when that happens for me, I'll be ready to die.
[ That playful smile softens, turns warm and fond, more so than any other smile Finnick's likely to have seen on him since they met. ]
And he won't let me. He'll save me, though I don't deserve it. He's promised to save me every time.
[ A pause, and he leans back in his seat, eyes still on Finnick as he takes another sip of his beer. ]
This is my fate. I don't feel resigned to it. I would choose it again and again, because I believe in what I was fighting for back in our reality, and I believe Kurusu when he says that we'll both live. What's predestined for us will happen when it happens, but it will happen.
[ A shrug, a warmth in his expression that still lingers. ]
Your death was surely tragic. You didn't deserve it. But you do have a freedom now that others don't. Your future will be entirely whatever you make of it. If I'm still around at that point, I'll gladly lend my expertise to help you find the reality that you want.
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And why does Kurusu let him live? What do they decide in the end about whatever they're fighting about?
And why is Maruki smiling like that about all of it?
It's somewhat unsettling. Disturbing. He guesses maybe Maruki is happy that he both gets to live and gets whatever outcome he wanted from the fight, but... Finnick can't be sure. There's not enough information, which makes the story, or confession, more irritating than anything.]
Y'know, you all are resigned to your fates like this, but there's nothing that says you'll have to return to your reality if that becomes an option. It could be a choice. In which case, why would you 100% choose that over this? Does everything work out grand after he spares you? Do you get everything you want?
[Everyone writes off 7 like there's nothing here for them. Finnick doesn't have that option. It pisses him off.]
And I highly doubt I'll have my pick of whatever reality I want. I don't think our overlords are that kind.
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But how to explain the feeling of receiving unconditional forgiveness from the person you betrayed the worst of all, before you've even earned it?
There's nothing like it in any reality, ideal or real.
The questions that he does ask go a long way toward grounding Maruki again, and that deep well of gratitude that his story drew from dissipates. He shrugs, laughs a bit. ]
Oh, I have no idea how everything works out. I'm not about to ask him, either. And no, I can guarantee that I don't get everything I want. The opposite, actually.
[ If he loses, the world they'll return to will be a torturous one. And yet Akira said he was happy despite that. Because of that. Maruki can't imagine he'll find that same happiness, but– maybe.
A wave of his hand as if to dispel the questions. ]
Regardless, I was just trying to illustrate a point. My apologies, it got muddled somewhere in there while telling my own story – now you see why I don't talk about myself much!
[ Firmly tethered back to reality now. He looks at Finnick seriously, sympathetically. ]
I don't think our overlords are that kind either. But I also don't think we'll be beholden to whatever they choose for us. As I said – if I'm around, I'll help you to find your ideal life. Whether that's here in 7 or elsewhere. That's a promise I want to make to you as your friend.
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Maruki, respectfully, and with concern, nothing you're telling me right now makes any fucking sense.
[No point has been illustrated. It's all raised too many questions to even begin to ask.]
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I'm sorry, my head tends to get in the clouds. What should I clear up for you?
[ This is literally all so simple????? You need to operate on 5D galaxy tentacle brain levels, my friend. ]
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[And by "this reality" he mostly means "me." His voice rises with agitation and slight desperation, trying to understand this. Does truly no one give a shit about him enough to think twice before leaving him here alone to return to their shitty reality where everything sucks? Not even his own partner? He's trying not to get carried away since it's all hypothetical... But even if Finnick got his pick of realities, he wouldn't want a new, better one without the people here that he loves. He wants to be with them.]
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And both of them matter less than the emotion rising up in Finnick's face, his tone.
Maruki's expression melts into one of pure sympathetic concern as the little tirade goes on, and he reaches out to cover Finnick's hand in his. ]
Finnick. I'm sorry. That was a poor choice in stories to share.
[ A gentle tilt of his head. ]
I'm not avoiding your questions, I just want to make sure you're not too upset first.
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[ He says it too quickly and too sharply, looking away from those molten chocolate eyes staring at him with such softness. It's unfair, how Maruki can do that, bring things out of him so easily with just a look. He can still feel the warm hand, and it's affecting him more than he wants it to.
He presses his lips together to keep them from trembling, but his eyes tear up anyway. ]
Everyone just can't wait to leave.
[ And leave him behind. His voice sounds screwed up from his throat being so tight. He needs to fidget, so he moves his hand from under Maruki's to get his length of rope from his pocket. He stares down at it as he rubs it between his fingers. ]
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And then having to watch as people you care about try to leave.
His next apology is weightier than the last. ]
I apologize for how insensitive my comments were. I wasn't thinking as compassionately as I should have been.
[ Maruki watches him fiddle with the rope, moves his hand to rest easily between Finnick's shoulder blades. A comforting touch that doesn't push for anything more. ]
Your fears here are valid. I know it can't be easy to hear people talk the way they do– well, the way that I just did.
[ A beat, and then a sincere promise. ]
You won't be abandoned.
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Maruki's words make the tears drip down. He wipes them quickly. Still staring at the rope, fidgeting mercilessly. ]
It's fine.
[ You won't be abandoned. He didn't think he was so afraid of something like that. He's Finnick Odair, he's the one who leaves! Not the one who's left! Except... When his parents signed him up to be a Career, to train and volunteer to die in the arena. When Annie's madness took her from him, then when she was taken to the Capitol. When Mags walked into the fog. None of them were meaning to abandon him, but that was still the result. And it hurt. It still hurts. ]
You don't know that.
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He runs his hand slow and soothing up and down Finnick's spine, as if he could draw that pain out by touch alone. ]
No, I don't know that. But I believe it.
[ And the things he believes have a way of coming true. ]
You can tell me it's bullshit if you want, but our beliefs can shape our futures. So if you won't believe it for yourself just yet, I'll do it enough for you.
People care about you. They won't leave you.
bo, how are you gonna dig the show out of this weird hole
Okay. Thanks, Doc. I believe you.
[ He nods again, still looking down, avoiding Maruki's gaze. If he looks at him, he might fall apart completely, and he's trying very hard not to do that. Ten times longer to put yourself back together, et cetera.
He breathes in deeply through his nose. ]
Sorry, I always fucking do this. I cry way too easily.
[ Pathetic! He exhales, shaking his head, leaning back in his chair, reaching for the beer, trying to reset himself. ]
The noodles were great. Did I say that?
[ He says it dryly, casually, gesturing to the empty bowl as though nothing just happened, finally glancing at Maruki with a small smile. ]
great now i gotta rewatch that special
I'm really glad you enjoyed them. Next time, show me how to cook something from your home.
[ He pats Finnick's back a couple times, then gives his hair a fond ruffle before getting up to collect their bowls and swing back into the kitchen, talking as he goes. ]
It's good to cry. It's healthy. I cry a lot too, so you don't have to worry about that around me.
[ It's said without any judgment for either of them, just simply stated fact. People cry! That's an okay thing!!
Maruki grins at him from where he's cleaning up the remaining scraps and piling everything into the sink to be dealt with later. ]
That said, I hate to see it during what was supposed to be a get together for me to thank you for your party. So what can I do now to cheer you up?
GOOD. so do I
Sure. I'll teach you how to make my district's bread if you can get more of that kelp.
[He smiles at the fond touches.]
You do? Hm. That does make me feel better.
[While Maruki certainly doesn't seem to have it all together, he does seem like a Momo type, who would rather focus on the feelings of others than his own. It's good to know that he does cry.
At his question, a mischievous smile appears on Finnick's face, and for a moment he considers flirting. Then he decides against it and tries to wipe the look from his face.]
Hm... Oh, I don't know. Whatever you want to do. I just like hanging out with you. It's me who's bringing the mood down, not you. Am I allowed help you clean up?
[Daddy?]
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First of all, if you'll recall, I threw the mood off first by telling you a truly thoughtless story. So you'll have to accept my apology, as well as my insistence that you don't help.
[ He's nearly done after that little monologue, anyway.
Suddenly aware that he kept the apron on for their whole meal, he laughs at himself as he removes it and drapes it over the now-cleared counter. ]
And secondly – you like just hanging out with me that much? Really?
[ It's a genuine question, and a shy one at that. So much for that daddy energy you're trying to get from him, Finnick. ]
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He tilts his head to the side and gazes at Maruki, as though appraising him, but he does nothing to hide the deep, warm fondness in his expression.]
Why does that surprise you? You're kind, incredibly easy to talk to, smart, and adorable as hell.
[Of course, this could be taken as Finnick laying it on thick, trying to make another pass at Maruki. But his tone is warm and sincere, not at all the low seductive purr he takes on when he's trying to make a move. His sea-blue eyes, too, are bright from his smile rather than guarded and hungry.
No, Maruki decidedly isn't displaying any kind of daddy energy, he's just "dad", if anything. But that's what Finnick likes about it. He finds Maruki's shy awkwardness, his "bumbling" as he put it, so sweet and endearing, especially alongside the empathy he clearly possesses.]
And a good cook.
[He winks jokingly.]
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That's all very kind of you to say, Finnick. I suppose it only surprises me because, well–
[ He's lost now without anything to do with his hands. He shouldn't drink more, but he'd like a bottle to roll between his palms. He's too far from Finnick to distract himself by giving him a comforting hand on a shoulder or through his hair. He has nothing left to clean unless he really wants to start digging into his dishes, which he doesn't. For a moment his hands flex uselessly in the air before him, then wind together as he runs one thumb hard along the line of his knuckles. ]
All of those people at your party! It seems like you know half of any given district. And they adore you. You could be having a much more exciting night with anyone, and you've chosen to hang out with possibly the most boring, regular man in all of 7.
[ A nervous, fleeting smile, self-deprecating but bright. ]
So forgive me for being surprised. Hah. Anyway, we could just chat for a bit longer, if you'd like...
[ Dude, do you think HE knows what to do now? HE DOESN'T. HELP. ]
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[In true bisexual fashion, he leans in his chair in the most precarious way, propping his arm over the back of it as he finishes his beer, bringing his foot up onto the seat of the chair Maruki had been sitting on.]
I know lots of people, yeah. I like most people. Most people like me. That doesn't mean I can't have favourites. I don't let just anyone into my inner circle. They have to earn my trust. And you're not quite there yet, but I'm here with you in your apartment because I want you to get there.
[He shrugs. He could go on about chosen family and his willingness to die for them, too, but he doesn't want to freak Maruki out. He's already made the mistake of coming on too strong with Maruki, and he won't risk upsetting him like that again. Though, maybe he already has, with this little speech.]
Of course, if you'd rather just be friendly acquaintances who have dinner now and again, that's alright with me too. No matter how you choose to be in my life, my life will be better for it.
[He gives a small, warm smile. He'd never want Maruki to have the impression that Finnick only wants to fuck him.]