[ Finnick's sincere enjoyment of the meal is its own reward, and somehow makes it taste a bit better to Maruki as well. Food is always better when shared with others, he knows that well. It might be good for him to make a habit of this, though the idea occurs to him with a level of detachment that always rears its head when he starts considering ways to rehabilitate himself.
Reframe that thought: It would be an enjoyable habit to make because he appreciates Finnick's company.
That one lands better.
He snorts a little laugh into his beer at Finnick's petulance over his circumstances. ]
Far be it from me to think that anything about this place has our best intentions in mind, but it would seem to me that you were given a soft landing to make up for such a brutal end in your reality. It does make me wonder if the worlds we come from have any influence on what is chosen to play out in the Amplitheater…
[ For the love of god, get off conspiracy theories!!!!!
The last bit makes him look at Finnick with raised eyebrows, a little glimmer of mischief in his gaze. ]
Regardless, I'm certain you'll see summer again soon enough. Eren chose that for you, didn't he?
Hate to tell you this, Doc, but not everything has a pattern. I know you're a scientist and all, but a lot of things here are just random. And if the powers that be cared about me, they wouldn't have made me relive my own death 6 times.
[He goes back to eating, but as Eren is mentioned, a tiny impish smile crosses his features and he glances at Maruki sheepishly with noodles hanging out of his mouth. A small giggle escapes him, and he nods.]
Mm-hmm.
[Shouldn't talk with his mouth full, and anything he'd say would be far too cheesy and gross anyway.]
[ Oh, he couldn't possibly disagree more – it's a vehement rejection that rises up from the rebellious soul that propelled him to where he is today – but Maruki isn't about to get into an argument about a field of study that doesn't exist in this reality with someone who has never heard of it.
Instead he focuses on Finnick's bashful gaze, ridiculous little laugh. He rolls his eyes, nothing but fond. ]
Alright. I'll admit to being a bit of a gossip – any of my former students could tell you, if they were here – so I'll have to ask you for an explanation.
[ A bite of the tempura, crunchy and tender in turn. If nothing else, at least he can fry shrimp. Small blessings. ]
You said a bit at the party, but I confess I'm still curious as to the nature of your relationship. You're about as different as two people could be. So.
[ He raises his eyebrows, lips quirked up at the corners, and takes a sip of his beer. ]
[ Finnick laughs at his phrasing. Spill, Odair. Look at Mr. Nerd man trying to be hip and cool! ]
You like gossip, huh? I guess counselling teenagers is a great way to get that fix.
[ He's already fucking demolished his noodles. He sits back in his chair with a satisfied sigh and sips on the beer. ]
To tell you the truth, I'd love to talk about him, but I never know where to start or how to explain it. It feels like Eren happened to me. The choices I made were like a man possessed. I guess that's why they call it falling in love- it really did feel like I was taking a dive into a void of unknowns.
[ He laughs a little. Breathy. ]
Eren is difficult, as you know. He doesn't want anyone to get close to him, and that only made me want it more and try harder. I have a deadly attraction to mystery, and he's about as mysterious as it gets. The challenge of it seemed too rewarding to give up on for even a second, and I was right. Once I wormed my way through his defenses, he's the sweetest person, in his own distinctly Eren way.
[ He smiles, remembering the night of their first kiss, how beautiful and romantic it had been. To him, anyway. Maybe to an outside observer it would have seemed simple, but getting to the point of kissing Eren Jaeger is no simple task. ]
We were friends, but he wouldn't even call me his friend. We had a fight about it. He insulted me, trying to push me away. I came over instead. He was so sad. I tried to hug him, which didn't work great. He gave me a key to his apartment. I gave him his own rope for tying. We ate bread I made. I slept on his couch, had a nightmare about Annie. He calmed me down. I sat and played with his hair, and then... We kissed. We kissed, and I didn't want to fuck him. We just slept together in his bed... Tangled in each other.
[ He says all of this slowly, thoughtfully, perfectly articulating the words. He hasn't told anyone else about that particular night. It feels like he's damned to tell Maruki his secrets whether he wants to or not. It's those damn eyes. That innocent face. Maybe he'll regret this deeply. Maybe he should be holding his cards much closer, like he would in Panem. But this place is different. He doesn't have to be so guarded anymore. ]
If the play-by-play sounds insane, that's because it is. We're both insane, but somehow it works. For now, anyway.
He's a romantic at heart. Always has been. To such an intense, extreme degree that it loops right back around to becoming brutally painful and closing him off.
To hear a story like this – complicated, gentle, fated – rattles a lock on the farthest room at the back of his heart.
He asked. He wanted to know the answer. He's glad that he does. It helps him understand Finnick. But there is that sensation deep in his chest of something snagging, tearing open.
Still: He listens, rapt with fascination and grateful for the opportunity to enjoy his own dinner for a bit. When the story ends, Maruki gives it the thoughtful lull of silence it deserves, then leans an elbow on the counter and tips his head down into his palm, looking right at Finnick. ]
It doesn't sound insane, and it isn't.
[ It does, just a little, but only because something like that happening in a place like this is so far beyond the ken for him. But the point is– ]
You told me before that they both snuck up on you. Aren't courtships like that? The ones that really, truly work out– you can't exactly look back and draw a linear narrative through everything that led to you being together.
[ His other hand around the beer bottle, two fingers tracing meaningless patterns through the sweaty condensation. ]
Falling in love with someone always seems to me, at least, to be a random, chaotic series of events that made perfect sense in the moment. That's what matters. Not trying to fit them together neatly in hindsight.
[ Snow, gunsmoke, blood. Finnick wasn't wrong. Some things truly are up to random chance, and finding patterns will only drive you crazy.
Maruki grins then, warm and wide and sincere. ]
I'm glad this has happened to you. And to Eren too, though he surely wouldn't believe me.
[He can tell that Maruki is listening intently, that the words mean something to him, and that his response is sincere. Finnick always expects to be brushed off, and he's fine with that, but the fact that Maruki never treats him that way makes him feel able to be more vulnerable.]
I agree with you. It is so random, yet feels like fate... In fact, I gave him my piece of red seaglass, which is the most rare colour, and likened the chances of us meeting across so many worlds to the rarity of the glass. Probably far less likely for us to meet, really.
I'm a sap.
[He laughs softly through his nose. Finnick is a romantic too, which goes against everything people assume he is. A player, a womanizer, a peacock. And he is those things, sure. But at the end of the day, his whole heart only belongs to one person. Everything else is fluff.]
Was that your experience? Did your person sneak up on you?
[ The seaglass gesture is sweet in a way that strikes his heart at a certain angle – that great fissure through the middle from Akira, those hairline fractures from Kel – and makes impact, another crack. There are liminal realities like this where those who could have never met are finally brought together to do so; does that make the pain of a place like 7 worth it?
Something to mull over later. Finnick's question strikes at an entirely different angle. ]
Ah... hah. You remember that.
[ A large part of him hoped Finnick would get drunk or high enough throughout the night to forget a short conversation on a balcony.
He straightens back up in his seat, not looking at Finnick anymore, focusing on cleaning his glasses, so messy from mucking about in the kitchen all afternoon. ]
No, I think I snuck up on her. Her vision for her life did not involve a bumbling, broke researcher with his head in the clouds.
[ Beneath those cracks, his own distorted heart pounds, pained to say it. ]
But I loved her right away and chased after her. Why she ever gave me the time of day, I'll never know. Things just fell into place.
[ Rumi, hot-headed and cheerful in equal measure, practical and grounded enough to tether him back to reality. A dogged perseverance against their own circumstances and a headstrong desire to succeed the common link between them, but manifested in entirely different ways. She balanced him. He never deserved her.
Glasses replaced on his face, Maruki shrugs, smiles softly, picks at the last few bits in the soup bowl. ]
It didn't do us much good in the end, but she was still the best thing to happen to me. So it goes. Treasure it while you have it. Be a sap.
[Doc seems to hate the question, and Finnick couldn't care less. Just because he's a counsellor doesn't mean he can get away without revealing any of himself. Finnick won't allow it. A secret for a secret is his preferred way of trading in 7, since he doesn't need to leverage them for power anymore.
He smiles a little as Maruki talks about the woman he loved. Loves? He puts his hand between Maruki's shoulder blades and rubs gently.]
Yeah. And hey, if I found it twice, anyone can. You don't give yourself enough credit for your charms.
[He'd charmed Finnick, after all, and still does. It's a good bit.]
If we find a way for people to go home, though, Eren will. Which I guess is understandable. It's selfish of me, but I can't help but hope we won't find one. Because if we do... Most people get to go home, and I'll either be stuck here on my own, or gone from existence for good.
[His hand stills on Maruki's back, his eyes fixing on a detail on his bowl and zoning out a little.]
[ The touch startles him, as all touch does, but he settles quickly. It isn't unwelcome. Just unexpected.
And it's a kind sentiment, but not the correct one. He doesn't want to find it twice. He hasn't wanted anyone since the day he lost Rumi, he doubts he ever will. The world he's creating isn't even one where they can be together, and it's still the only world meant for either of them.
But to say anything about his disinterest would prompt more questions, probably more compliments. He'd rather not. So he lets it slide.
Maruki looks at Finnick sidelong, listens, watches as his gaze goes a bit unfocused. ]
If there was a way to return to his reality with him, do you think you would?
[ For how calculated he is in everything he says to everyone here but Akira, that one slips out before he's put concrete thought into it, and it jolts him again. He holds up a hand as if to stop himself. ]
I mean, that's genuinely a purely hypothetical question. I have no idea if something like that is possible. That's beyond my expertise.
[The thought occurs to Finnick at the same time Maruki voices it. If Eren could go home, why couldn't Finnick go with him?]
No, yeah, I get you. It's all hypothetical. And well, Eren's world is ending in a war. Everyone will die. He wants to go back to say goodbye to his loved ones and die with it. If it were possible and he wanted me to go with him, the choice would be between... Dying with Eren, or staying alive here in 7 with the few other dead people or whoever else stuck around.
[His heart thrums with the desire to die with Eren. To hold him in his final moments. To offer him comfort and love him through the ultimate grief. Finnick is dead anyway.
But is he, really? Only by technicality. He breathes, his heart beats, his body works other than missing his arm. He can touch, feel, experience. It feels no different from being alive before. Would he give up the rest of... Whatever time he has "alive" for Eren? His voice of reason tells him that's far too self-sacrificing.]
I don't know.
[He finally says this after a long pause of deep thought.]
[ An ache in the pit of his stomach to hear it – war, mass casualty, hopelessness. And yet, the desire to return and see things through.
The circumstances aren't the same whatsoever, really, but Maruki thinks he understands the impetus at the emotional core. At least a bit.
It's his turn to give Finnick's back a comforting rub, though it doesn't linger. ]
There may end up being more options than that. We really don't know anything yet. Please, don't resign yourself to only those fates.
[ His own beer is down to dregs, so he slides off the chair and swings back into the kitchen to grab another, silently holding up a second for Finnick to see if he accepts or declines as he asks a potentially loaded question: ]
If I tell you something, Finnick, will you promise to keep it between us?
[Finnick nods. He tries not to catastrophize, tries not to get too lost in what-ifs. There are so many of those, and it may be that none of them ever happen, so it's not worth worrying over them too much, like Maruki said. He also holds out a little bit of hope that maybe Eren will change his mind about going home, will eventually enjoy life enough here to not want to die with his world.
Still, Finnick isn't all that motivated to find a way out of this world. To figure it out, sure, so they can all better function here. But he doesn't feel quite the same need to rebel anymore. He doesn't want to burn it all down. He might even say he likes it here.
[ He opens the beer, hands it off. Then his own, a long drink before he rejoins Finnick at the bar. It's tempting to stay on the other side, line his spine up against the refrigerator and put distance between them, but Maruki is aware that he has been cagey at best with all of the information he's told Finnick. A gesture of closeness wouldn't go amiss, even if it makes him feel like tinfoil is set between his molars to do so.
He hops back up into the chair, rolls the bottle between his palms as he speaks. Unlike the story about Rumi, his eyes are on Finnick the whole time. ]
When I return to my reality – and I will return, I have no doubt about that – I'm going to fight to my death against Kurusu.
[ His eyebrows raise up high beneath his unkempt fringe and he smiles playfully, cutting off any questions before they come. ]
Don't ask why. I won't tell you, because it isn't important. What is important is that I already know I'll lose.
[ Like a freight train careening off the tracks and slamming into the wall of his mind, up in flames on impact. He's thought of it so many times since their first meeting, but admitting it out loud to someone entirely unrelated brings the reality of it into sharp, crystalline clarity. He will lose. He's already lost. ]
Kurusu has already lived what I have not, and he's won against me. I can only imagine that when that happens for me, I'll be ready to die.
[ That playful smile softens, turns warm and fond, more so than any other smile Finnick's likely to have seen on him since they met. ]
And he won't let me. He'll save me, though I don't deserve it. He's promised to save me every time.
[ A pause, and he leans back in his seat, eyes still on Finnick as he takes another sip of his beer. ]
This is my fate. I don't feel resigned to it. I would choose it again and again, because I believe in what I was fighting for back in our reality, and I believe Kurusu when he says that we'll both live. What's predestined for us will happen when it happens, but it will happen.
[ A shrug, a warmth in his expression that still lingers. ]
Your death was surely tragic. You didn't deserve it. But you do have a freedom now that others don't. Your future will be entirely whatever you make of it. If I'm still around at that point, I'll gladly lend my expertise to help you find the reality that you want.
[The story doesn't make a ton of sense to Finnick. There's little context. He says the reason they fight doesn't matter, but also that he believes in what he was fighting for. So then it does matter, doesn't it?
And why does Kurusu let him live? What do they decide in the end about whatever they're fighting about?
And why is Maruki smiling like that about all of it?
It's somewhat unsettling. Disturbing. He guesses maybe Maruki is happy that he both gets to live and gets whatever outcome he wanted from the fight, but... Finnick can't be sure. There's not enough information, which makes the story, or confession, more irritating than anything.]
Y'know, you all are resigned to your fates like this, but there's nothing that says you'll have to return to your reality if that becomes an option. It could be a choice. In which case, why would you 100% choose that over this? Does everything work out grand after he spares you? Do you get everything you want?
[Everyone writes off 7 like there's nothing here for them. Finnick doesn't have that option. It pisses him off.]
And I highly doubt I'll have my pick of whatever reality I want. I don't think our overlords are that kind.
[ Finnick would be well within his rights to ask for clarity on any of it, all of it. Some distant part of Maruki's overcrowded mind knows that their story – chiefly, the way he tells it – is nonsensical on levels both practical and emotional.
But how to explain the feeling of receiving unconditional forgiveness from the person you betrayed the worst of all, before you've even earned it?
There's nothing like it in any reality, ideal or real.
The questions that he does ask go a long way toward grounding Maruki again, and that deep well of gratitude that his story drew from dissipates. He shrugs, laughs a bit. ]
Oh, I have no idea how everything works out. I'm not about to ask him, either. And no, I can guarantee that I don't get everything I want. The opposite, actually.
[ If he loses, the world they'll return to will be a torturous one. And yet Akira said he was happy despite that. Because of that. Maruki can't imagine he'll find that same happiness, but– maybe.
A wave of his hand as if to dispel the questions. ]
Regardless, I was just trying to illustrate a point. My apologies, it got muddled somewhere in there while telling my own story – now you see why I don't talk about myself much!
[ Firmly tethered back to reality now. He looks at Finnick seriously, sympathetically. ]
I don't think our overlords are that kind either. But I also don't think we'll be beholden to whatever they choose for us. As I said – if I'm around, I'll help you to find your ideal life. Whether that's here in 7 or elsewhere. That's a promise I want to make to you as your friend.
[He'll get the opposite of what he wants in the end, and will still return happily. Finnick looks at Maruki with a sharp gaze and a furrowed brow, a cross between frustrated by the lack of logic and genuinely wondering about his sanity.]
Maruki, respectfully, and with concern, nothing you're telling me right now makes any fucking sense.
[No point has been illustrated. It's all raised too many questions to even begin to ask.]
For one, the story doesn't make much sense without knowing what you were fighting about. And why did he spare you? And why would you so quickly and gladly abandon this reality for one where you lose and get the opposite of what you want?
[And by "this reality" he mostly means "me." His voice rises with agitation and slight desperation, trying to understand this. Does truly no one give a shit about him enough to think twice before leaving him here alone to return to their shitty reality where everything sucks? Not even his own partner? He's trying not to get carried away since it's all hypothetical... But even if Finnick got his pick of realities, he wouldn't want a new, better one without the people here that he loves. He wants to be with them.]
[ He says it too quickly and too sharply, looking away from those molten chocolate eyes staring at him with such softness. It's unfair, how Maruki can do that, bring things out of him so easily with just a look. He can still feel the warm hand, and it's affecting him more than he wants it to.
He presses his lips together to keep them from trembling, but his eyes tear up anyway. ]
Everyone just can't wait to leave.
[ And leave him behind. His voice sounds screwed up from his throat being so tight. He needs to fidget, so he moves his hand from under Maruki's to get his length of rope from his pocket. He stares down at it as he rubs it between his fingers. ]
[ Maruki watches him carefully, takes those words in. The unspoken weight of them. He does truly believe what he said – Finnick is a free man in a way that many of them are not – but there's such a deep grief to it, too. Being ripped away from all that you knew and loved twice: First by death, then by whatever manipulations brought them all here.
And then having to watch as people you care about try to leave.
His next apology is weightier than the last. ]
I apologize for how insensitive my comments were. I wasn't thinking as compassionately as I should have been.
[ Maruki watches him fiddle with the rope, moves his hand to rest easily between Finnick's shoulder blades. A comforting touch that doesn't push for anything more. ]
Your fears here are valid. I know it can't be easy to hear people talk the way they do– well, the way that I just did.
[ If you asked Finnick what he wants most in life, he would say freedom. But it wouldn't be true. He cares about his people, his chosen family, more than anything. If he cared more about freedom than Annie or Mags, they would both be dead, because he'd have refused President Snow's orders to sleep with Capitolites. Instead, he kept himself in line for a decade to protect them.
Maruki's words make the tears drip down. He wipes them quickly. Still staring at the rope, fidgeting mercilessly. ]
It's fine.
[ You won't be abandoned. He didn't think he was so afraid of something like that. He's Finnick Odair, he's the one who leaves! Not the one who's left! Except... When his parents signed him up to be a Career, to train and volunteer to die in the arena. When Annie's madness took her from him, then when she was taken to the Capitol. When Mags walked into the fog. None of them were meaning to abandon him, but that was still the result. And it hurt. It still hurts. ]
[ Maruki can't help himself. Before he was anything else – a researcher, a counselor, a reality bending god-lite ha ha oops – he was an empath. Still is. Someone else's pain when expressed to him becomes his own, and seeing someone cry twists his heart like nothing else.
He runs his hand slow and soothing up and down Finnick's spine, as if he could draw that pain out by touch alone. ]
No, I don't know that. But I believe it.
[ And the things he believes have a way of coming true. ]
You can tell me it's bullshit if you want, but our beliefs can shape our futures. So if you won't believe it for yourself just yet, I'll do it enough for you.
People care about you. They won't leave you.
Edited 2024-06-10 18:18 (UTC)
bo, how are you gonna dig the show out of this weird hole
[ Finnick nods, wipes his eyes again. He knows people care about him. He knows that. Just sometimes he gives too much away and he forgets to ask for anything in return, or it's too hard to. He never wants to make a fuss about his own wants or needs, which is probably why he bottles it up and then ends up crying whenever he drinks with someone. ]
Okay. Thanks, Doc. I believe you.
[ He nods again, still looking down, avoiding Maruki's gaze. If he looks at him, he might fall apart completely, and he's trying very hard not to do that. Ten times longer to put yourself back together, et cetera.
He breathes in deeply through his nose. ]
Sorry, I always fucking do this. I cry way too easily.
[ Pathetic! He exhales, shaking his head, leaning back in his chair, reaching for the beer, trying to reset himself. ]
The noodles were great. Did I say that?
[ He says it dryly, casually, gesturing to the empty bowl as though nothing just happened, finally glancing at Maruki with a small smile. ]
I'm really glad you enjoyed them. Next time, show me how to cook something from your home.
[ He pats Finnick's back a couple times, then gives his hair a fond ruffle before getting up to collect their bowls and swing back into the kitchen, talking as he goes. ]
It's good to cry. It's healthy. I cry a lot too, so you don't have to worry about that around me.
[ It's said without any judgment for either of them, just simply stated fact. People cry! That's an okay thing!!
Maruki grins at him from where he's cleaning up the remaining scraps and piling everything into the sink to be dealt with later. ]
That said, I hate to see it during what was supposed to be a get together for me to thank you for your party. So what can I do now to cheer you up?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Reframe that thought: It would be an enjoyable habit to make because he appreciates Finnick's company.
That one lands better.
He snorts a little laugh into his beer at Finnick's petulance over his circumstances. ]
Far be it from me to think that anything about this place has our best intentions in mind, but it would seem to me that you were given a soft landing to make up for such a brutal end in your reality. It does make me wonder if the worlds we come from have any influence on what is chosen to play out in the Amplitheater…
[ For the love of god, get off conspiracy theories!!!!!
The last bit makes him look at Finnick with raised eyebrows, a little glimmer of mischief in his gaze. ]
Regardless, I'm certain you'll see summer again soon enough. Eren chose that for you, didn't he?
no subject
Hate to tell you this, Doc, but not everything has a pattern. I know you're a scientist and all, but a lot of things here are just random. And if the powers that be cared about me, they wouldn't have made me relive my own death 6 times.
[He goes back to eating, but as Eren is mentioned, a tiny impish smile crosses his features and he glances at Maruki sheepishly with noodles hanging out of his mouth. A small giggle escapes him, and he nods.]
Mm-hmm.
[Shouldn't talk with his mouth full, and anything he'd say would be far too cheesy and gross anyway.]
no subject
Instead he focuses on Finnick's bashful gaze, ridiculous little laugh. He rolls his eyes, nothing but fond. ]
Alright. I'll admit to being a bit of a gossip – any of my former students could tell you, if they were here – so I'll have to ask you for an explanation.
[ A bite of the tempura, crunchy and tender in turn. If nothing else, at least he can fry shrimp. Small blessings. ]
You said a bit at the party, but I confess I'm still curious as to the nature of your relationship. You're about as different as two people could be. So.
[ He raises his eyebrows, lips quirked up at the corners, and takes a sip of his beer. ]
Spill, Odair.
no subject
You like gossip, huh? I guess counselling teenagers is a great way to get that fix.
[ He's already fucking demolished his noodles. He sits back in his chair with a satisfied sigh and sips on the beer. ]
To tell you the truth, I'd love to talk about him, but I never know where to start or how to explain it. It feels like Eren happened to me. The choices I made were like a man possessed. I guess that's why they call it falling in love- it really did feel like I was taking a dive into a void of unknowns.
[ He laughs a little. Breathy. ]
Eren is difficult, as you know. He doesn't want anyone to get close to him, and that only made me want it more and try harder. I have a deadly attraction to mystery, and he's about as mysterious as it gets. The challenge of it seemed too rewarding to give up on for even a second, and I was right. Once I wormed my way through his defenses, he's the sweetest person, in his own distinctly Eren way.
[ He smiles, remembering the night of their first kiss, how beautiful and romantic it had been. To him, anyway. Maybe to an outside observer it would have seemed simple, but getting to the point of kissing Eren Jaeger is no simple task. ]
We were friends, but he wouldn't even call me his friend. We had a fight about it. He insulted me, trying to push me away. I came over instead. He was so sad. I tried to hug him, which didn't work great. He gave me a key to his apartment. I gave him his own rope for tying. We ate bread I made. I slept on his couch, had a nightmare about Annie. He calmed me down. I sat and played with his hair, and then... We kissed. We kissed, and I didn't want to fuck him. We just slept together in his bed... Tangled in each other.
[ He says all of this slowly, thoughtfully, perfectly articulating the words. He hasn't told anyone else about that particular night. It feels like he's damned to tell Maruki his secrets whether he wants to or not. It's those damn eyes. That innocent face. Maybe he'll regret this deeply. Maybe he should be holding his cards much closer, like he would in Panem. But this place is different. He doesn't have to be so guarded anymore. ]
If the play-by-play sounds insane, that's because it is. We're both insane, but somehow it works. For now, anyway.
no subject
He's a romantic at heart. Always has been. To such an intense, extreme degree that it loops right back around to becoming brutally painful and closing him off.
To hear a story like this – complicated, gentle, fated – rattles a lock on the farthest room at the back of his heart.
He asked. He wanted to know the answer. He's glad that he does. It helps him understand Finnick. But there is that sensation deep in his chest of something snagging, tearing open.
Still: He listens, rapt with fascination and grateful for the opportunity to enjoy his own dinner for a bit. When the story ends, Maruki gives it the thoughtful lull of silence it deserves, then leans an elbow on the counter and tips his head down into his palm, looking right at Finnick. ]
It doesn't sound insane, and it isn't.
[ It does, just a little, but only because something like that happening in a place like this is so far beyond the ken for him. But the point is– ]
You told me before that they both snuck up on you. Aren't courtships like that? The ones that really, truly work out– you can't exactly look back and draw a linear narrative through everything that led to you being together.
[ His other hand around the beer bottle, two fingers tracing meaningless patterns through the sweaty condensation. ]
Falling in love with someone always seems to me, at least, to be a random, chaotic series of events that made perfect sense in the moment. That's what matters. Not trying to fit them together neatly in hindsight.
[ Snow, gunsmoke, blood. Finnick wasn't wrong. Some things truly are up to random chance, and finding patterns will only drive you crazy.
Maruki grins then, warm and wide and sincere. ]
I'm glad this has happened to you. And to Eren too, though he surely wouldn't believe me.
no subject
I agree with you. It is so random, yet feels like fate... In fact, I gave him my piece of red seaglass, which is the most rare colour, and likened the chances of us meeting across so many worlds to the rarity of the glass. Probably far less likely for us to meet, really.
I'm a sap.
[He laughs softly through his nose. Finnick is a romantic too, which goes against everything people assume he is. A player, a womanizer, a peacock. And he is those things, sure. But at the end of the day, his whole heart only belongs to one person. Everything else is fluff.]
Was that your experience? Did your person sneak up on you?
no subject
Something to mull over later. Finnick's question strikes at an entirely different angle. ]
Ah... hah. You remember that.
[ A large part of him hoped Finnick would get drunk or high enough throughout the night to forget a short conversation on a balcony.
He straightens back up in his seat, not looking at Finnick anymore, focusing on cleaning his glasses, so messy from mucking about in the kitchen all afternoon. ]
No, I think I snuck up on her. Her vision for her life did not involve a bumbling, broke researcher with his head in the clouds.
[ Beneath those cracks, his own distorted heart pounds, pained to say it. ]
But I loved her right away and chased after her. Why she ever gave me the time of day, I'll never know. Things just fell into place.
[ Rumi, hot-headed and cheerful in equal measure, practical and grounded enough to tether him back to reality. A dogged perseverance against their own circumstances and a headstrong desire to succeed the common link between them, but manifested in entirely different ways. She balanced him. He never deserved her.
Glasses replaced on his face, Maruki shrugs, smiles softly, picks at the last few bits in the soup bowl. ]
It didn't do us much good in the end, but she was still the best thing to happen to me. So it goes. Treasure it while you have it. Be a sap.
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He smiles a little as Maruki talks about the woman he loved. Loves? He puts his hand between Maruki's shoulder blades and rubs gently.]
Yeah. And hey, if I found it twice, anyone can. You don't give yourself enough credit for your charms.
[He'd charmed Finnick, after all, and still does. It's a good bit.]
If we find a way for people to go home, though, Eren will. Which I guess is understandable. It's selfish of me, but I can't help but hope we won't find one. Because if we do... Most people get to go home, and I'll either be stuck here on my own, or gone from existence for good.
[His hand stills on Maruki's back, his eyes fixing on a detail on his bowl and zoning out a little.]
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And it's a kind sentiment, but not the correct one. He doesn't want to find it twice. He hasn't wanted anyone since the day he lost Rumi, he doubts he ever will. The world he's creating isn't even one where they can be together, and it's still the only world meant for either of them.
But to say anything about his disinterest would prompt more questions, probably more compliments. He'd rather not. So he lets it slide.
Maruki looks at Finnick sidelong, listens, watches as his gaze goes a bit unfocused. ]
If there was a way to return to his reality with him, do you think you would?
[ For how calculated he is in everything he says to everyone here but Akira, that one slips out before he's put concrete thought into it, and it jolts him again. He holds up a hand as if to stop himself. ]
I mean, that's genuinely a purely hypothetical question. I have no idea if something like that is possible. That's beyond my expertise.
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No, yeah, I get you. It's all hypothetical. And well, Eren's world is ending in a war. Everyone will die. He wants to go back to say goodbye to his loved ones and die with it. If it were possible and he wanted me to go with him, the choice would be between... Dying with Eren, or staying alive here in 7 with the few other dead people or whoever else stuck around.
[His heart thrums with the desire to die with Eren. To hold him in his final moments. To offer him comfort and love him through the ultimate grief. Finnick is dead anyway.
But is he, really? Only by technicality. He breathes, his heart beats, his body works other than missing his arm. He can touch, feel, experience. It feels no different from being alive before. Would he give up the rest of... Whatever time he has "alive" for Eren? His voice of reason tells him that's far too self-sacrificing.]
I don't know.
[He finally says this after a long pause of deep thought.]
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The circumstances aren't the same whatsoever, really, but Maruki thinks he understands the impetus at the emotional core. At least a bit.
It's his turn to give Finnick's back a comforting rub, though it doesn't linger. ]
There may end up being more options than that. We really don't know anything yet. Please, don't resign yourself to only those fates.
[ His own beer is down to dregs, so he slides off the chair and swings back into the kitchen to grab another, silently holding up a second for Finnick to see if he accepts or declines as he asks a potentially loaded question: ]
If I tell you something, Finnick, will you promise to keep it between us?
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Still, Finnick isn't all that motivated to find a way out of this world. To figure it out, sure, so they can all better function here. But he doesn't feel quite the same need to rebel anymore. He doesn't want to burn it all down. He might even say he likes it here.
Finnick nods at the offer of a second drink.]
Sure Doc, of course.
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He hops back up into the chair, rolls the bottle between his palms as he speaks. Unlike the story about Rumi, his eyes are on Finnick the whole time. ]
When I return to my reality – and I will return, I have no doubt about that – I'm going to fight to my death against Kurusu.
[ His eyebrows raise up high beneath his unkempt fringe and he smiles playfully, cutting off any questions before they come. ]
Don't ask why. I won't tell you, because it isn't important. What is important is that I already know I'll lose.
[ Like a freight train careening off the tracks and slamming into the wall of his mind, up in flames on impact. He's thought of it so many times since their first meeting, but admitting it out loud to someone entirely unrelated brings the reality of it into sharp, crystalline clarity. He will lose. He's already lost. ]
Kurusu has already lived what I have not, and he's won against me. I can only imagine that when that happens for me, I'll be ready to die.
[ That playful smile softens, turns warm and fond, more so than any other smile Finnick's likely to have seen on him since they met. ]
And he won't let me. He'll save me, though I don't deserve it. He's promised to save me every time.
[ A pause, and he leans back in his seat, eyes still on Finnick as he takes another sip of his beer. ]
This is my fate. I don't feel resigned to it. I would choose it again and again, because I believe in what I was fighting for back in our reality, and I believe Kurusu when he says that we'll both live. What's predestined for us will happen when it happens, but it will happen.
[ A shrug, a warmth in his expression that still lingers. ]
Your death was surely tragic. You didn't deserve it. But you do have a freedom now that others don't. Your future will be entirely whatever you make of it. If I'm still around at that point, I'll gladly lend my expertise to help you find the reality that you want.
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And why does Kurusu let him live? What do they decide in the end about whatever they're fighting about?
And why is Maruki smiling like that about all of it?
It's somewhat unsettling. Disturbing. He guesses maybe Maruki is happy that he both gets to live and gets whatever outcome he wanted from the fight, but... Finnick can't be sure. There's not enough information, which makes the story, or confession, more irritating than anything.]
Y'know, you all are resigned to your fates like this, but there's nothing that says you'll have to return to your reality if that becomes an option. It could be a choice. In which case, why would you 100% choose that over this? Does everything work out grand after he spares you? Do you get everything you want?
[Everyone writes off 7 like there's nothing here for them. Finnick doesn't have that option. It pisses him off.]
And I highly doubt I'll have my pick of whatever reality I want. I don't think our overlords are that kind.
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But how to explain the feeling of receiving unconditional forgiveness from the person you betrayed the worst of all, before you've even earned it?
There's nothing like it in any reality, ideal or real.
The questions that he does ask go a long way toward grounding Maruki again, and that deep well of gratitude that his story drew from dissipates. He shrugs, laughs a bit. ]
Oh, I have no idea how everything works out. I'm not about to ask him, either. And no, I can guarantee that I don't get everything I want. The opposite, actually.
[ If he loses, the world they'll return to will be a torturous one. And yet Akira said he was happy despite that. Because of that. Maruki can't imagine he'll find that same happiness, but– maybe.
A wave of his hand as if to dispel the questions. ]
Regardless, I was just trying to illustrate a point. My apologies, it got muddled somewhere in there while telling my own story – now you see why I don't talk about myself much!
[ Firmly tethered back to reality now. He looks at Finnick seriously, sympathetically. ]
I don't think our overlords are that kind either. But I also don't think we'll be beholden to whatever they choose for us. As I said – if I'm around, I'll help you to find your ideal life. Whether that's here in 7 or elsewhere. That's a promise I want to make to you as your friend.
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Maruki, respectfully, and with concern, nothing you're telling me right now makes any fucking sense.
[No point has been illustrated. It's all raised too many questions to even begin to ask.]
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I'm sorry, my head tends to get in the clouds. What should I clear up for you?
[ This is literally all so simple????? You need to operate on 5D galaxy tentacle brain levels, my friend. ]
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[And by "this reality" he mostly means "me." His voice rises with agitation and slight desperation, trying to understand this. Does truly no one give a shit about him enough to think twice before leaving him here alone to return to their shitty reality where everything sucks? Not even his own partner? He's trying not to get carried away since it's all hypothetical... But even if Finnick got his pick of realities, he wouldn't want a new, better one without the people here that he loves. He wants to be with them.]
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And both of them matter less than the emotion rising up in Finnick's face, his tone.
Maruki's expression melts into one of pure sympathetic concern as the little tirade goes on, and he reaches out to cover Finnick's hand in his. ]
Finnick. I'm sorry. That was a poor choice in stories to share.
[ A gentle tilt of his head. ]
I'm not avoiding your questions, I just want to make sure you're not too upset first.
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[ He says it too quickly and too sharply, looking away from those molten chocolate eyes staring at him with such softness. It's unfair, how Maruki can do that, bring things out of him so easily with just a look. He can still feel the warm hand, and it's affecting him more than he wants it to.
He presses his lips together to keep them from trembling, but his eyes tear up anyway. ]
Everyone just can't wait to leave.
[ And leave him behind. His voice sounds screwed up from his throat being so tight. He needs to fidget, so he moves his hand from under Maruki's to get his length of rope from his pocket. He stares down at it as he rubs it between his fingers. ]
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And then having to watch as people you care about try to leave.
His next apology is weightier than the last. ]
I apologize for how insensitive my comments were. I wasn't thinking as compassionately as I should have been.
[ Maruki watches him fiddle with the rope, moves his hand to rest easily between Finnick's shoulder blades. A comforting touch that doesn't push for anything more. ]
Your fears here are valid. I know it can't be easy to hear people talk the way they do– well, the way that I just did.
[ A beat, and then a sincere promise. ]
You won't be abandoned.
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Maruki's words make the tears drip down. He wipes them quickly. Still staring at the rope, fidgeting mercilessly. ]
It's fine.
[ You won't be abandoned. He didn't think he was so afraid of something like that. He's Finnick Odair, he's the one who leaves! Not the one who's left! Except... When his parents signed him up to be a Career, to train and volunteer to die in the arena. When Annie's madness took her from him, then when she was taken to the Capitol. When Mags walked into the fog. None of them were meaning to abandon him, but that was still the result. And it hurt. It still hurts. ]
You don't know that.
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He runs his hand slow and soothing up and down Finnick's spine, as if he could draw that pain out by touch alone. ]
No, I don't know that. But I believe it.
[ And the things he believes have a way of coming true. ]
You can tell me it's bullshit if you want, but our beliefs can shape our futures. So if you won't believe it for yourself just yet, I'll do it enough for you.
People care about you. They won't leave you.
bo, how are you gonna dig the show out of this weird hole
Okay. Thanks, Doc. I believe you.
[ He nods again, still looking down, avoiding Maruki's gaze. If he looks at him, he might fall apart completely, and he's trying very hard not to do that. Ten times longer to put yourself back together, et cetera.
He breathes in deeply through his nose. ]
Sorry, I always fucking do this. I cry way too easily.
[ Pathetic! He exhales, shaking his head, leaning back in his chair, reaching for the beer, trying to reset himself. ]
The noodles were great. Did I say that?
[ He says it dryly, casually, gesturing to the empty bowl as though nothing just happened, finally glancing at Maruki with a small smile. ]
great now i gotta rewatch that special
I'm really glad you enjoyed them. Next time, show me how to cook something from your home.
[ He pats Finnick's back a couple times, then gives his hair a fond ruffle before getting up to collect their bowls and swing back into the kitchen, talking as he goes. ]
It's good to cry. It's healthy. I cry a lot too, so you don't have to worry about that around me.
[ It's said without any judgment for either of them, just simply stated fact. People cry! That's an okay thing!!
Maruki grins at him from where he's cleaning up the remaining scraps and piling everything into the sink to be dealt with later. ]
That said, I hate to see it during what was supposed to be a get together for me to thank you for your party. So what can I do now to cheer you up?
GOOD. so do I
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